Update

Short hair whoa.  It feels so much better than long hair let me tell ya

Sooooo! It's summer and I'm out of class!  It feels good to not be stressed out about anything.  However, now I feel like a hermit.  I had a job interview last Tuesday and now I'm waiting for them call back.  I think I'll get it but I don't want to be over confident. It's kind of scary, I have been really nervous about it.  I'm eating better and losing weight again.  It's a slow process but it is moving along.

I've been thinking about a lot of things lately.  I think part of getting older is choosing who you are and growing out of phases.  I'm 20 now and I still feel like I'm constantly moving in and out of myself.  I think my whole life I've had problems with my identity as a girl/woman.  When I was little I hated being called pretty, I wanted to be "cool".  I really resisted all feminine aspects of being a girl.  I really just wanted to be a boy.  However when puberty hit and I was in middle school, there was a sudden need to conform.  Middle school was just really tough on me.  I would get asked a lot why I wore boys clothes. Needless to say I tried doing the best I could to become more girly all the way through high school.  Each year I was a new person.  It's like floating between being girly and masculine from one year to another.  In my first year of college I had lost a lot of weight, so I changed the way I acted to fit a more feminine picture.  Sure it wasn't the way most people viewed what I woman would dress like, but for me it was a major change that I was happy to make.  Now this year I've slacked a lot of it.  I think I'm in my in between at the moment. 

I've grown a lot with the idea that I don't fit the stereotypical norm of what a woman is.  And probably because, to be honest, I don't feel all that much like one.  When I look down at myself, I don't see a woman.  I have to actively tell myself that I am one.  

A few weeks ago I watched an Oprah interview with Chaz Bono, Cher's Son (post top op FTM, transgender). And he talked about how he felt growing up and I really related a lot to what he said.  One of the key parts of that interview that stood out to me was from Cher: "If I woke up one day as a man I'd feel terrible because I'm a woman and happy to be one."  I cannot tell you how much my whole life I just wanted to wake up in the morning and be a man.  Then last week I watched these documentaries about women who either identified as genderless or as someone in the transition stage of going from female to male.  I found it super informative and even at times as like holding up a mirror to myself.

People that I'm friends with don't judge me, at least not to my face.  I think... I judge myself enough for everyone.  I do get some people who try to link the way I dress to my sexuality.  I can tell you right now they are two different things.  The way I dress isn't because of my lack of sexuality.

All in all I decided to try and start accepting myself.  I now identify as gender fluid.  I wouldn't call myself transgender since at times I really do feel like a girl.  I just go back and forth between the two.  BUT I am totally fine with people seeing me as a girl.  It's way too hard to be sensitive about how people want to define me.  Just let people say what they want as long as I know how I feel.

I'm not gonna lie and say I'm totally happy with myself.  It's really frustrating sometimes like I just want to explode right out of myself into another body.  But other times it's fine.  I like my more masculine moments.  They are the only times I feel like I recognize the person in the mirror.

I haven't told anyone this yet except my friend Lauren and It wasn't even this detailed.  I wanted her to be the first person since I know she's open minded and supportive.

Also:

I met Travis Willingham for the second time.  He's a voice actor for Roy Mustang in Fullmetal Alchemist.

Currentaly Watching: Ano Hana, Deadman Wonderland, KHR, Maid Sama, Ao no Exorcist, KHR

Just Finished: ATLA, Toradora, Angel Beats

Putting off: Ergo Proxy, Darker Than Black

Listening to: Thrice, Thursday, Cage The Elephant, Deftones, Local Natives, Manchester Orchestra, Mumford and Sons, Linkin Park.

More art from class

Frustration

Hey.  WELL things are kind of going south.  Financial woes.  Cat's dying.  Might either move to West Sacramento OR Modesto/San Francisco.  But let me pretend like none of that is happening for a second.  I love my art class and I am fairly bored of my game art class, however last weeks class wasn't too bad.  I memorized about 23 bones within an hour for my test tomorrow.

Cat and more art.

The wall that I use to keep my cat in the kitchen.

 My cat has cancer.  She pees, poops, and pukes everywhere. We will probably be putting her down soon.
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Some quick gesture drawings (charcoal on newsprint) from class

This blog has no theme besides my complaints and art.

Tyra would be proud. (back from Sac anime which is a whole other blog post)

So class just started.  On Tuesday I went to my Figure Drawing class and I have to say I was really impressed by the actual classroom.  It was like a professional studio.  This is my first art class ever that is actually meant for AN ART CLASS.  The teacher seems really strict and unforgiving.  But if anything young and in good humor.  Not looking forward to the focus on hands and feet though.  All in all not bad, I am actually looking forward to this class as of now.  I got some art stuff today at the UCD book store.

On Friday I have my Game Art class.

It's been a while!

Ayyyy long time no see

Well I haven't been on in a while... I don't have much to talk about to be honest.  So I'll keep it brief.

I love this shirt.  I got it for Xmas

• School starts next week.  I have Game Art and Figure Drawing.
• I realized sort of the path I might go down.  I'm not sure if game design is right for me but for now it will do.  But I wan't to work at Viz Media in San Fransisco to get my foot in the door and then maybe with enough experience one day move over to Funimation.
• This year is going to be tough I know.
• We are thinking about moving to West Sacramento potentially.
• This summer i'm going to meet Joss, Lauren, and Lidia.  I can't wait.
• I've been drawing more since I found some pose references and I think it's helped quite a bit.
• I have accepted my full nerd label.  Verging on Otaku I guess.
• I went to Sacanime for my first big convention.  It was... interesting to say the least.  I wasn't dressed up in cosplay.  Just a hipster as usual.  But I saw a concert and say some great voice actor panels which are great to hear about the inner workings of the business.
• My mother has taken up watching anime by herself. lol.
• My cat is I think dying of some cancer.  The hospital visit was so very expensive. 
• I've been writing more.  Like writing my ideas down.
• For Christmas I drew some slight yaoi for 2 friends of mine (Roy Mustang and Edward Elric).  Sad to say it's probably my best work even if it is my most "shameful." I want to post it but at the same time... ehhhhh. (nothing against Yaoi but it's just not my thing. Plus the pair is not something I care for.  But I'd do almost anything within reason for a pal sooooo.)

And now some drawings:

Just did tonight

Nothing like a knock of of Kittan from Gurren Lagann. *facepalm*

This is Roy Mustang and Riza Hawkeye from Fullmetal Alchemist

Just keep holding on

Well I haven't updated in a while so let me just get this out.

So I recently got over like a two-three month depression.  As soon as I dropped my Pen & Ink class I felt an amazing weight taken off my shoulders.

School has been fine, I've been driving to Sacramento often to do work in the design lab.

All that seems like nothing compared to the real issue.

I'm just going to cut to the chase.  Right at this moment my mother is staring down the barrel of unemployment.  And I'm looking at jobs with little to know luck. If this keeps up, homelessness is a real threat.  And some very recent family drama.

But I am going to write this with a glimmer of hope.

My mother is applying to a job at the university (UCD) and it could potentially be a better job. Which is great because she works with nothing but selfish shady people who don't appreciate how great at business she is!

While some of my better friends have been absent from my life lately, Allie is returning on the 20th! That makes me very happy.  And even through this time I have made some astounding friends: Joss, Jonathon, Goldie (Helen), Lidia, Lauren, Kelsey, and Sarah.  Really, they have given me more support than I have ever felt my whole life from friends.  I am so very grateful to have them in my life.  Sometimes it overwhelms me the love I feel.

Oh and here is a recent photo of me:

Currentaly Watching: Gurren Lagann

Just Finished: Beck, Soul Eater, Durarara!!

Putting off: Darker Than Black

Listening to: Thrice, The Local Natives, Coulor Revolt, Alexisonfire