Dissatisfaction (warning, slightly emo blog, probably overly honest)

I'm in a funk blogger, and not a good one.

     I feel generally dissatisfied at the moment (for the last few days), with how I'm living my life.  I'm having some mood swings at night.  I find that if I don't fill my time with social interaction I get in a bad mood.  I don't know... I feel like there are feeling coming back from years ago, real anxiety.  It's totally illogical.

*Sigh*

    Now looking to the summer I just see 3 months of blah and nada.  Though, as I type this i'm not in a good mood which generally tends to make me paint a bad picture. I think what I'm most dissatisfied with are my sleeping habits.  I'm just wasting my days, and spending all my time alone at night.  I need to fix this messed up sleep schedule.

     I have been planning for the last day to go to Disneyland for my Bday, but this mood is making me really not want to go.  I know I have a slight phobia of travel and an even bigger phobia of not sleeping in my own home (though I love waking up in a place that's not home).  I realized the other day how much I miss being outside (as stupid as that sounds, since I do leave the house) but it's hard to explain.  I know I don't have the motivation to go anywhere, but I have the inner want.  I basically need to get off the internet, I have a horrible dependence on technology.

     I find that only a few things excite me anymore.  One being my rekindled love for Fullmetal Alchemist (which I just saw a new episode today yeeeeee!).  I find it seems to be one of the only things actually entertaining/thrilling me anymore, as nerdy as that sounds.  I think it's interesting how people can develop such deep love for fictional characters.  I think I see some of them and I relate some of my struggles with them.

     I don't know where this sudden depression has come from, maybe I'm just not good at having no work.  Maybe I'm creatively spent (maybe I have pent up creative frustration).  I'm just worried that these feelings are here to stay, since I do have a history with some mild (one time severe) depression.  Started back when I was a child, forced to stay at my dads house when all I wanted was to go home.  I know that experience has completely messed me up for about a decade giving way to the acknowledgment and dramatization of "feelings" or "depression".  My mind makes things seem to much worse than they really are.  I think I miss having friends that are real go getters (not that I don't have that NOW but that they are gone or are working). I think that's one of the main reasons I miss Allie (hey Allie *waves*) because she is pretty adventurous in my opinion, and active and has a real zealous for life (secretly I really admired her all through high school and even now, for her humor, intellect, and epicness).  I always know that when we hang out it's going to be awesome.  I have been kinda active on Skype at night with my friend Victor (hi Victor *waves*) which has been a way of keeping my mind off things and also, having a kick ass time looking and talking about everything under the sun. haha.

I'm just bored. And as bratty as it sounds, being bored is something that has always made me feel so alone.

    Interesting thing is, I have been contemplating the differences lately of emotional Vs. Sentimental and whether I am either.  I know for sure I'm a very emotional person, very.  But I'm not sure now sentimental I am.  I think I'm sentimental towards things that don't matter very much, material things or purely creative things like stories, plots, characters, etc.

     I think another thing that bothers me is that I'm drifting apart form my friends, not seeing them have made this weird void between us.  And I want to trust them, but I have seen so much and heard so much to know I just can't... sometimes I wonder if I'm the only one living in reality while everyone seems to have very different perspectives on situations.  Trust, honesty, and loyalty are what I want most from people, and it seems that people can't manage to deliver on what I think are pretty simple requests.

I think the one good thing is I am not one to sit here in my own misery.  Maybe for a little bit, but I look for things to make me happy, I look for distractions.  I'm not gonna let this consume my every thought. NO.  Thank god I am not like that, or I would be a very different person today.

HEY HEY HEY, we can do this!!! yeah! Let's focus on the positives and what to look forward to!

• Disneyland! Yeah!  let's get on an airplane (I love airports <3) and enjoy some time off and enjoy the most magical place on earth with the person I love most, mom.
• Thrice Concert with Ana! WOOOO!  Thrice will be so amazing (I'm listening to them currently) and yeah I'll have to spend the night away at dad's but at least Ana will be there.  It's all worth it.  Plus I actually like waking up at dads.
• Allie coming back from college! yeah!  I can't wait to geek out, and ride our bikes!
• The Beach!  OH YEAH!  who doesn't love the beach?!
• My bday party, probably just gonna do boweling at the MU.
• Painting my room, LIKE A BOSS.
• Rikke staying for a day, from Denmark! Yessss! I miss that girl so much!
• Hanging out with my new friends :3 (lol idk why I say new friends like I have more than 1 lolz).
• And re-connecting with friends.  I have to mend some lost bonds.
• And tomorrow, the GCOM awards! Let's hope I get something (word on the street is I have a good chance). Haha I'm so cocky and competitive. (Please god no speech....)

This is probably a bit forced, but I have to be, or else it's just back to negativity.  Who know's, by tomorrow, all these feelings could be gone.  (After writing this huge entry, I'm feeling a bit better)

[UPDATE: just listened to Glee music and I feel so much better]