When I was 5 years old I went to Valley Oak Elementary. I was a good kid, a bit of a brat but good. After school I went to the CDC (Child Development Center). I liked some of the adults there, though the kids would pick on me. I was definitely bullied as a child. Mostly by the older boys. My whole elementary school career consisted of either being bullied or being the bully. But I digress.....
One afternoon (around 4 or 5) I was at the CDC waiting to be picked up late by my mother. I don't remember what I was doing but I remember the event. One of the older kids (5th or 6th grade) named Francisco (or his brother I don't remember since they were twins I think) came to me and asked if I wanted to read. I said "okay", so we went up into the loft. The loft was this wooden platform that you climbed onto using a ladder. Once up in the loft one could sleep, play cards, or just hang. We sat down side by side. I opened the book. The book was about a family of bears. I was reading, he was reading.
I remember everything going slowly after that. Every second lasted a lifetime. His arm went around my waist, his hand on my hip. He looked at me and whispered in my ear "you can be one of my girlfriends like Allison" (she was a friend of mine). His hand lifted the side of my shirt, his hand on my skin. His hand began to rub my side (near the belly button area, hip, and just below the breast). I can't describe the feeling, the only thing I could feel was discomfort. I knew it wasn't right, I froze. I felt as if in a shell.
The only silver lining is that he didn't go any further than what had happened. Probably because we were inside and there where adults around.
It wasn't until seventh grade that the memory (or the acceptance that this had happened) came back to me. We were talking about sexual harassment in my health class. I'm pretty sure this event subconsciously has had a devastating affect on me socially. It's probably the reason for my large personal bubble, especially after 7th grade. 7th grade was the beginning of hormonal changes, I became self conscious, I felt unworthy I guess. These kind of things mixed with adolescent development does not make for a healthy mind.
When it's all said and done, this kind of thing is not exactly devastating, but it seems like it. Now as I have grown I have decided to not let these sort of things define me. To find hope, the light in the dark. What I have learned the most about this is that you never know everything about someone. People have so much pain inside you may never know of. Vulnerability is something we all avoid.
Thrice quotes of inspiration and light:
"We all were lost now we are found"-Image of the Invisible
"Cross your heart and hold fast hope"- Hold Fast Hope
"Wake, we will weigh and drink this cup. We will burn, but we will not burn up. Wake, feel your worth, O my soul. Speak the word, the word that can save us all. Awed by grace, I fall on my face. And scream the word that can save us all." -Stand and Feel You're Worth
"so let's find the place where sight begins and see the things that we saw when our eyes were bright and wet against the light. And hold on, hold tight, open daylight, we will overcome"- Flags of Dawn
"Look around and you'll see that at times it feels like no one really cares. It gets me down but I'm still gonna try to do what's right, I know that there's a difference between sleight of hand, and giving everything you have. There's a line drawn in the sand, I'm working up the will to cross it" -The Artist In The Ambulance
"daylight pours fire into my grey eyes, pour grace into my grey life, breaks in and lights the way, I can't live without the day" -Between the End and Where We Lie
[EDIT: I have realized today that being ignored is the worst feeling....]
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