Update

Short hair whoa.  It feels so much better than long hair let me tell ya

Sooooo! It's summer and I'm out of class!  It feels good to not be stressed out about anything.  However, now I feel like a hermit.  I had a job interview last Tuesday and now I'm waiting for them call back.  I think I'll get it but I don't want to be over confident. It's kind of scary, I have been really nervous about it.  I'm eating better and losing weight again.  It's a slow process but it is moving along.

I've been thinking about a lot of things lately.  I think part of getting older is choosing who you are and growing out of phases.  I'm 20 now and I still feel like I'm constantly moving in and out of myself.  I think my whole life I've had problems with my identity as a girl/woman.  When I was little I hated being called pretty, I wanted to be "cool".  I really resisted all feminine aspects of being a girl.  I really just wanted to be a boy.  However when puberty hit and I was in middle school, there was a sudden need to conform.  Middle school was just really tough on me.  I would get asked a lot why I wore boys clothes. Needless to say I tried doing the best I could to become more girly all the way through high school.  Each year I was a new person.  It's like floating between being girly and masculine from one year to another.  In my first year of college I had lost a lot of weight, so I changed the way I acted to fit a more feminine picture.  Sure it wasn't the way most people viewed what I woman would dress like, but for me it was a major change that I was happy to make.  Now this year I've slacked a lot of it.  I think I'm in my in between at the moment. 

I've grown a lot with the idea that I don't fit the stereotypical norm of what a woman is.  And probably because, to be honest, I don't feel all that much like one.  When I look down at myself, I don't see a woman.  I have to actively tell myself that I am one.  

A few weeks ago I watched an Oprah interview with Chaz Bono, Cher's Son (post top op FTM, transgender). And he talked about how he felt growing up and I really related a lot to what he said.  One of the key parts of that interview that stood out to me was from Cher: "If I woke up one day as a man I'd feel terrible because I'm a woman and happy to be one."  I cannot tell you how much my whole life I just wanted to wake up in the morning and be a man.  Then last week I watched these documentaries about women who either identified as genderless or as someone in the transition stage of going from female to male.  I found it super informative and even at times as like holding up a mirror to myself.

People that I'm friends with don't judge me, at least not to my face.  I think... I judge myself enough for everyone.  I do get some people who try to link the way I dress to my sexuality.  I can tell you right now they are two different things.  The way I dress isn't because of my lack of sexuality.

All in all I decided to try and start accepting myself.  I now identify as gender fluid.  I wouldn't call myself transgender since at times I really do feel like a girl.  I just go back and forth between the two.  BUT I am totally fine with people seeing me as a girl.  It's way too hard to be sensitive about how people want to define me.  Just let people say what they want as long as I know how I feel.

I'm not gonna lie and say I'm totally happy with myself.  It's really frustrating sometimes like I just want to explode right out of myself into another body.  But other times it's fine.  I like my more masculine moments.  They are the only times I feel like I recognize the person in the mirror.

I haven't told anyone this yet except my friend Lauren and It wasn't even this detailed.  I wanted her to be the first person since I know she's open minded and supportive.

Also:

I met Travis Willingham for the second time.  He's a voice actor for Roy Mustang in Fullmetal Alchemist.

Currentaly Watching: Ano Hana, Deadman Wonderland, KHR, Maid Sama, Ao no Exorcist, KHR

Just Finished: ATLA, Toradora, Angel Beats

Putting off: Ergo Proxy, Darker Than Black

Listening to: Thrice, Thursday, Cage The Elephant, Deftones, Local Natives, Manchester Orchestra, Mumford and Sons, Linkin Park.