Just keep holding on

Well I haven't updated in a while so let me just get this out.

So I recently got over like a two-three month depression.  As soon as I dropped my Pen & Ink class I felt an amazing weight taken off my shoulders.

School has been fine, I've been driving to Sacramento often to do work in the design lab.

All that seems like nothing compared to the real issue.

I'm just going to cut to the chase.  Right at this moment my mother is staring down the barrel of unemployment.  And I'm looking at jobs with little to know luck. If this keeps up, homelessness is a real threat.  And some very recent family drama.

But I am going to write this with a glimmer of hope.

My mother is applying to a job at the university (UCD) and it could potentially be a better job. Which is great because she works with nothing but selfish shady people who don't appreciate how great at business she is!

While some of my better friends have been absent from my life lately, Allie is returning on the 20th! That makes me very happy.  And even through this time I have made some astounding friends: Joss, Jonathon, Goldie (Helen), Lidia, Lauren, Kelsey, and Sarah.  Really, they have given me more support than I have ever felt my whole life from friends.  I am so very grateful to have them in my life.  Sometimes it overwhelms me the love I feel.

Oh and here is a recent photo of me:

Currentaly Watching: Gurren Lagann

Just Finished: Beck, Soul Eater, Durarara!!

Putting off: Darker Than Black

Listening to: Thrice, The Local Natives, Coulor Revolt, Alexisonfire

500 Days of Summer. 90 mins of yelling "I KNOW RIGHT!"

500 Days of Summer- You know there are a lot of "romance" movies out there.  Boy meets girl.  Boy falls in love. They get married. ETC.

Well, this ain't that.  This felt so much more relatable than any other movie about love I have ever seen.  Half the time I was so fixated with how much I could relate to the way the main character looked as his situation.  They showed his reality VS. his expectations which was so true. SO TRUE.  The main character Tom Hansen must be my spirit animal because he has these little quirks that I do too, it's daunting.

It made me think a lot about fate and "Soul Mates" which I have been reluctant to believe my whole life.

It also made me think about how at first you can love all these things about someone and only a less than a year later hate all those things you once loved.

This is why you can't stay with someone until you hate them.

9/10

You know what's something that makes me happy?

Money.

OH NO, I SAID IT!  Something people will always argue with.  Because "money can't buy happiness".

Well, really it depends.  Because hitting the lottery would make me pretty damn happy.

Money brings you a little thing called security.  I could go to any college I was accepted into, live anywhere, and work on anything.  Now I'm not saying that you can't get lonely or that money will solve your problems.  But for some people, like me, security is important.  And I think people forget that sometimes that if you want to, you know... do stuff, you need money.  That's how the world works.  If your content with walks by the creek and throwing rocks your whole life then good for you.  But I on the other hand like going to the movies, driving places (gas), eating, etc.

I get pretty defensive about this topic.  It seems like people who have always had money will say it isn't that important.  That they could be homeless and still be happy.  Yeah okay, douche.  And when you do that, and get rid of all your money, can I have it?

I'm not greedy.  I'm realistic.  I have never lived in a place with a back yard.  It's always been apartments.

I won't deny the free things that make life worth living.  A sunset, nature, exercise, laughter, art, etc.  Those are the BEST things.  But to say those are all that matters?  I'd love to live in that little world of flowers, unicorns, and gumdrops.

People don't need to buy me things to make me happy.  I don't care if your rich or poor.  In fact, I rather find it uncomfortable to have people buy me things, and when I borrow money I pay right back.  I am aways pretty generous with what I have, I don't mind paying for your food or even a ticket to a concert.  If I know I have the means to do it, I will because having that experience of sharing time with someone is important.

So to sum this up (because I am not thinking at my most logical right now at 11am with no sleep), happiness can be brought upon by many things for many different people.  Money isn't evil.  It is a good thing to have.  I want the freedom that money provides, and that freedom makes me happy.

Breaking it all down

I have been think too much lately.  About all these things.  The future.  The path.  Myself.

I'll just throw in some Tumblr humor here

I have a rather horrible art teacher that makes me want to rip off my ears.  I have never hated an art class so much.  It's really quite the failure on her end.  She is without a doubt the worst teacher I have ever had.  At some age I think you should just quit teaching.  Like at 70 because IDK how old she is but holy Jesus she looks one day away from turning to dust in front of me.

my actual face

Then on Tue nothing went right.  From dropping my pizza on the floor, to having the grocery bag rip, to a car parking to close to my door that I couldn't get in, to me letting someone use my phone on a dark street late at night in sac, to my teacher hating everything I produce, and then going to my 3D art class and just getting so overwhelmed I had the urge to just walk out and drop the whole semester.

I should not feel so overwhelmed with just 2 classes.  I am not used to being bad at something (besides math and Spanish).

What has been good is making more friends (albeit Tumblr friends) but people none the less.  I have been skyping one of my Tumblr friends, Joss, on Saturdays at 1am while we watch the re runs of Fullmetal Alchemist Brotherhood.  And that has been fun, to get this whoooooole new perspective from this whole new person with no ties to anyone else in my life, which is great! And those sessions have been like 9 hours long each time.


I have been working on 2 new story ideas, one of which I have written one scene for and half of another.  I Emailed the first 4 chapters of my FMA FanFic to Joss and Goldie so I'm excited to get these second opinions from people who I have a respect for their opinion in both writing and the actual series.

Thrice- best damn band ever

Then I have been talking a lot to Jonathon and Lidia (of course Jonathon I text him all the time, especially if I'm bored at school).  And it seems like we all are very eager to meet at a Thrice Concert! I'm thinking this summer. YES.  Thrice just went back into the studio so that is really exciting!


I watched an Oprah interview with J.K. Rowling (author of the Harry Potter series) and even though I am personally not a fan of the series I found her to be totally inspirational and put some faith back into me!

I miss hanging out with my friends.  Not that I have that many left.  My mother and I have been a bit rocky for a few months now.  It's causing some bad blood I think.  I just want to move out.  But I really, REALLY, miss my friends. Like Sadie, Ana, Allie (who I wont see for a long time ;__;), Victor, and Daniela.

I have watched some great shows like: Soul Eater, Darker Than Black, and Durarara!!.

I tried making this post as positive as I could.  Because I have written too many depressing posts.

It's been a while...

I don't have much to say.

:|

I have been offered a spot in some honor roll thing for people in 2 year colleges. Hmm.

Sometimes I wish I had just gone to a 4 years college and majored in writing and media.

I'm all over the place.  I know what I want, I just don't know how to get there... I am so scared of ending up as mediocrity in this life.  And that seems to be where I'm heading.

If I keep walking the line I currently strut, I'll be working in video games.  Not bad really.  But... to say it's my passion, well.... that stretches things a bit. Idk idk idk idk.... I just want to be successful now! But I lack the self discipline to do so!  Sometimes I think I just need to go crazy for a year and then sit my butt down and get to work.

I am sloth personified.

There is no rule book or instruction manual for being the next big storyteller.  I need some of that ol Disney luck to seep in now.  *look at me, I'm 19 and freaking out so much.  I just feel time passing with me doing nothing!*

School has started, and now the blues set in

Yeah, the post summer blues has set in...or maybe I am just legitimately blue.  I am not sure.  It's been a tough summer.  My relationship with my mother has been stressed.  But it's not horrible.

So.

My feelings about moving out has changed.  I have realized that once I move out, I will be a slightly different person.  Like I can LIVE.  Have people over, or IDK have a guy over without worrying or having to be embarrassed.  Thats definitely been an undercover reason for not dating or having guy friends in general.

Eh.

My classes are as follows:

Pen & Ink:  OMG.  My 70+ yeah old teacher is so slow.  She repeats constantly.  And just today it took her like 7 mins to draw a simple cube. -___-

3D Modeling & Rigging:  I can already tell, this class with be the root of blood shed, sweat, and many tears.  But I love my teacher and of course my classmates (well idk I only know 2 [one being a good friend] and recognize a few from last semester).

Graphic Design production:  The teacher is great.  My ex teacher who I really didn't like is a "student" in the class.  And they want me to use programs I have never used before. GREAT.

Asexuality and other stuff

I worry that one day, when I have entered into a serious relationship, I will make the other person feel...unimportant.  I have come to terms this summer on a lot of things, mostly the whole asexuality thing.  I was before but I guess I have just become more affirmed some how.  I get kinda tired of people telling me it's a phase, but it's just how i have felt my whole life. I also get a little annoyed when guys think to make it their goal to be the one to "turn" me.  Like "Wow okay so you're giving me the heads up that we WILL be having sex?  Okay...."
I just worry that I'll make someone feel undesirable and they will cheat, break up, or feel bad about themselves. I feel bad about it, but at the same time I can't feel bad for who I am.  What ever, I just won't stress.  Besides, I've been thinking, I wonder if I'll be in that percentage of people who never marry.  Not exactly what I want but if thats what fate has in store then I guess it's good I have this social awkwardness otherwise if I was outgoing being alone my whole life would really bug me. Though to be honest I think being alone my whole life would still bug me.  Well this is a depressing post...
I tend to not like single girl rants, I think they are immature and stupid, but it's a little different for me I guess.  I really don't mind being single right now.  I have school and I most likely wouldn't be able to spend time with someone, however, I guess it's natural to feel the want to be needed, you know?  Gah I'm just blabbing.
I realized yesterday that I have never said I love you to someone who wasn't a family member.  Not even a friend (outside of texts and emails).  It seems like a really...significant, fragile, and vulnerable word.  And we all know how I am no good with showing vulnerability.  I find the phrase hard to even type/write.

School starts tomorrow.  Excited to see my old pals.  Not liking the prospect of homework. *sigh*

My influence map

click to see it bigger.  It's cool, yea?

Art: Desert Royale

THIS TOOK 3 DAYS OKAY.

FOREVER.

Original characters.  He is a “prince” of sorts that denied his name.  She was his former servent/body guard of sorts until he let her go so she could live her life.  When he denied his name his father attempted to have him killed, and they almost did till she saved him.  Basically thats just 1/8th of the story.  it takes place years later when they are looking for the last oasis.  They life in a large desert kingdom.  They are like partners of sorts with, of course, slight romantic tension. hohohoho

I don’t have names for them yet

And this started as a video game idea...but Idk anymore, but yeah I could keep it that way. So we shall see.

Art: Sophia and Gabriel.

THIS WAS ONE DAMN LABOR OF LOVE.

12 hours. X___X  Which doesn't count the drawing time on paper (like 45-60 mins)

My hands hurt a lot.  A LOT.

It's 5:05am.... -__-

This is Sophia and Gabriel.  They are obviously a couple.  They are original characters for a story. Yes.

Oh and btw, this was my first couple picture. Ever.

Art: Modern day Link

Yes Link from the Legend of Zelda.  This took like 4 hours not including actually sketch on paper time.

I am actually really proud of this. :)

Art: what a release

I think I have been so creatively blocked for like 6 months it has been very frustrating.

Not so long ago I came upon a tutorial for the male body, the female body, and the face.  It, I think, dramatically changed how I drew things and frankly thank god for it.

I have been on a huge art binge lately.  It feels so good to put the pencil on the paper and just go.
The thing I struggle with as an artist is my left and right brain.  I think with both.  It's difficult for me to remember that there are no limits in art, no rules.  I watched recently "Spirited Away" and I always forget what a masterpiece it is.  So beautiful and limitless.  It inspires the hell out of me.

I am actually kinda proud of my sketch book for the first time in my life.  Like someone could look through it and see my progression and I would be just fine.

I have been watching A LOT more anime recently.  With this surge of anime I have been able to pay attention to the styles and the little details which I have incorporated into my drawings. I see things now I totally glazed over before.  The most important being is, each character is unique and has a signature.  Fans can always identify this character from this signature.  Whether it's Goku's hair, Naruto's facial marks, Edward Elrics red coat/automail, to Hei's soulless eye's.  Everyone has something.

All I can say is: Art is like food, it fills my body with nutrients and life.

(Afterthought: I have also been writing a lot.  Makes me realize I have such a limited vocabulary.  And my grammar is atrocious! But to toot my own horn, I am pretty damn good at dialogue and story. But the mechanical details always screw me over.)

A preview

Here is a preview of what I have been working on in Photoshop for like 4 hours X___X

The skin.  HAIR WHY ARE YOU SO HARD?

By the way I have been using my tablet for all the art you have seen from the last few posts.

It's Jonathon

A drawing I did last night

The photo is a bit blurry.  But anyway.

The one on the left is my friend in Texas Jonathon.  I wrote him into a story I am working on so this would be the drawn out character.

The right was me attempting to do a profile of Jonathon but it changed into something completely different and I am going to consider it a different piece of work all together.

OFF TO COLOR!

Just some art

This guy is from a story Idea I am working on.  He looks too much like the father from twilight. T___T

This is the main character for a previous story idea I had

These are some of the main characters from my current story 

And she...well idk.  She looks like a mash of Winry and Riza from Fullmetal Alchemist.

Highs and lows

ups and downs.

It's been quite a week.

People
Conversations
Getting out of the house
FMA
hmmmmm

I need to write more instead of Skyping with Jonathon...

This has been a lazy post.  Woot.  Oh and btw, I lost internet twice today.  Felt like the seventh circle of hell.

Why do things happen?

It's been a while.  I'm just gonna jump into this. (BTW: I got a FanFiction account here: http://www.fanfiction.net/~thevinckanator )

I have been thinking a lot lately about God, fate, destiny, etc and if all of it is real.  There have been things happening and I have been wondering if it's all a plan, something pre-destined.  I think I mostly wonder about the people in my life, if they are supposed to be there.  The people who leave my life, are they supposed to go?  Should I just let go and go with Gods will?  Do I even believe there is such thing as God's will.

My circle of people have been dwindling down and it's been rough.  I can say I am really close to 2 people.  And there are 2 people in my life who I wish were more present, I'm not sure whats happening.  I don't want them to go, they are important to me.  *sigh*  Friendships are incredibly important and personal to me so maybe I'm just over reacting.

I have been telling myself for the last year, just to let things happen, because if it's meant to be, it's meant to be.  And for a while it brought some comfort, but now It's just making everything more confusing.

I'll just try and be positive I guess... man I can't believe I actually almost miss school. O__O

I don't understand women sometimes

I don't see how "dorkiness" is a bad thing/turnoff.  I have never wanted to date a rico suave` character, just a genuine goofy dude.  It just seems the most real.  Like some women see this as a real negative. I just sit there amazed by how being dorky is perceived as bad, annoying is bad, but a dork is just being goofy and comfortable in your own skin, owning who you are.

I'm a huge dork so I would never want someone to judge me for that.

Some thoughts

Thought #1:  I think it's incredible unfortunate how blind people are in terms of their own happiness.  They convince themselves they are happy or content in their lives, relationships, friendships, etc when I can clearly see that it's not so.  Though to be fair, i'm pretty blind myself.  It always takes some big event to make everything click.  I know what will make me happier, but it's not easily achieved and quite frankly is impossible to force.

Thought #2:  I can't imagine not being a better person after this summer.  I don't think I have ever been so productive in all my life.  I know some freeways now, I have more confidence getting around, and I have been doing about 200% more work around the house.

Thought #3: I have some pent up artistic frustration. I need to write.

Thought #4: The other day I was listening to the song "I want you (she's so heavy)" and out loud I said "thats a sexy song".  Thats a new one for me.

Thought #5: Digital cable can suck it for all I care. FFFFFFFFFF- the only good thing about the forced switch has been that now we get the game show network back.

Thought #6: Downtown Sacramento is actually kinda gorgeous. I had forgotten.

Thought #7: I realize that my IQ drops depending on who I'm talking to.  Generally around my lady friends I can be sort of intellectually dominant.  However I realized that with that of my male friends I tend to somehow lose 10 IQ points.  I get klutzy and basically lose my own self respect. It's frustrating, I don't want to be that girl who dumbs her self down for men.  I know I am an intelligent girl, but I know I become intimidated very easily by those of the same or higher intelligence (with men especially). GAHHH!!!

Disney Survey (mix of princess and non princess)

Favorite movie? The Little Mermaid.  I love how they animated this movie.  Plus Ariel is my favorite princess...

Favorite princess? Ariel yeah haha

Favorite prince? 

Favorite song?  Hard to say... I love "part of your world"  But I also love "Gaston"...

Favorite kiss?  ehhh Idk... Aladdin and Jasmine?

Prettiest princess?  I would say Belle/ Ariel/ Pocahontas

Saddest moment? Mufasas death

Favorite couple? Tarzan and Jane or Hercules and Meg

Best hair? ARIEL

Favorite animal sidekick? Abu

Favorite villain? IDK I don't like villians.  Gaston probably.

Favorite romantic moment? Tarzan and Jane swinging on the vines at night and then the vines winde around each other. lol.

Favorite singing voice? ARIEL

Favorite name? Prince Naveen

Favorite soundtrack? Aladdin

Funniest moment? Anything with genie

Favorite quote? "And for once it might be grand, to have someone understand, I want so much more than they've got planned." -Belle

Bravest princess?  Mulan no doubt (not really a princess, but for that I guess...Ariel? NO, POCAHONTAS! )

Favorite happy ending? Ariel, I love the look on her face when her father gives her legs.

Hospital/Surgery

Well on Friday my mother had spinal surgery.  I was at the hospital for about 15.5. hours.  She was in surgery for 9 hours.  I have to say, it's pretty traumatic to see your mother only 2 hours after such extensive surgery.  Nothing is worse than seeing the most important person in the world to you in pain.  I had to use the bathroom twice at the hospital to cry, then once again when I got home.

I have been living with one of my best friends Sadie.  I really appreciate having her here.  She is almost like a mother.  We have been staying up every night watching anime haha.

I am however getting tired of people thinking I can't do stuff now that my mother is gone.  I'm an adult, I'm not stupid.

Well anyway, on Monday I'm going to the Arden Fair mall then the hospital.  Then on Tue I'm going to Downtown sac, walk around, maybe see a friend (that means you Victor), take pictures IDK.  Sadie will be there.  On wed I might be going to the beach with Daniela and Allie.

I'm just trying to distract myself at the moment.

Mom's doing well though, recovering very nicely.

It's been a while since my last blog (anime oriented)

Today wasn't the best day..... I have a lot of things in my mind.  Between the death (and possible murder) of a friends father, the new digital cable that has blocked my Tivo, my mothers spinal surgery on Friday, having issues with one parental unit, I miss the people I met at school, and just...other stuff.

I have been looking for things to do basically.  I have been turning to my new favorite pastime: watching anime.  Nerdy I know, I have always liked anime, but I have been expanding my viewing from just like 1 a year to a few within the last week.

So to waste some time I found this anime thing, I was gonna do it on Tumblr but people sometimes aren't feeling the love.  So okay.

1. Very First Anime?
Sailor Moon omg.....

2. Favorite Anime?
This is easy.  Fullmetal Alchemist.

3. Your anime crush?
WHICH ONE?  ummm okay: Gohan (DBZ), Roy Mustang (FMA), Tamaki and Mori (Ouran High School Host Club), and Riza Hawkeye (FMA)  <----YEAH THATS A WOMAN. SHE'S A BAMF.

4. Anime you're ashamed you enjoyed?
Ouran High School Host Club, Tenchi, and Naruto.

5. Anime character you feel your most like (or wish you were)?
hmmm.  good question, well there are certain things about Tamaki (OHSHC) that I think I am sort of like.  Our total unrealistic romantic expectations, believes friends to be like family (though i'm not an idiot like him).  I think there are bit's of me like Gohan, we both get good grades, good people, etc.  And maybe Haruhi (OHAHC) for our cynical outlook.  I wish I was like Riza Hawkeye, she is do dignified and loyal and strong and is basically the perfect woman.

6. Most annoying anime character?
How about the entire cast of Salior moon. WOOOOOW.  Naruto is pretty annoying also.  Also I'm not much a fan for the twins in OHSHC.

7.  Favorite anime couple?
THIS IS SO SIMPLE.  ROY MUSTANG AND RIZA HAWKEYE.  It's not like "official" or anything but everyone knows they are in love.  I am a huge shipper of Royai, I celebrated Royai day with a fiery passion.  But I also support Edward x Winry, Gohan xVidel, Tamaki x Haruhi, Mori x Haruhi, Sakura x Sasuke.

8. Most epic scene ever?
wow I have no idea.  Purely based on what I have seen, it has to be sometime in FMA.

9.  Saddest anime scene?
T_____T omg....*SPOILER ALERT*  ok when Maes Hughes was murdered, and when Nina was turned into a chimera... I cried so much during both.

10. Favorite anime hero/heroine
MALE: Gohan
WOMAN: umm.... Does Riza Count?

11. Favorite Harem anime?
Tenchi. My favorite reverse Harem is OHSHC though.

12. Favorite opening theme song?
"Ready. Steady. Go!" by  L'arc~en~Ciel (FMA original series)
"Haruka Kanata" by Asian Kun Fu Generation (Naruto)
Also the first opening song in the Brotherhood series but idk what it's called.

13. Favorite pokemon?
oh god.  pikachu, togepi, rapadash, eevee, and arcanine.

14.  Favorite anime ending theme?
IDK.  The ending of Ouran High School Host Club.

15. Favorite character?

(FMA) This is Riza Hawkeye.  She is the most bad ass female character ever written in history.  Basically all your arguments are invalid.  Her loyalty and strength are why I look up to her so much. The women of FMA are all the best and really unique, but Riza Hawkeye takes the cake.  She may not be an alchemist, but she has the best eye for shooting around. You go girl!!!!!  (and she has the honor of being my only anime lady crush!)

This is Tamaki Souh.  He is a complete idiot.  But he has more heart in this pinky than you have in your chest.  One of the sweetest characters ever (and most hillarious btw).  He is over dramatic, rich, romantic, adorable, and innocent.  At first I hated him so much, I thought "omg this guy is a moron and super annoying" but then as time went on I saw him begin to open and before I knew it he became my favorite part of the show.  (OHSHC)

This is Gohan from Dragonball Z.  He is a pretty under estimated character.  I loved him when he was just a little boy, but I grew very attached to him as he got older and into high school.  He may be a total nerd, but he has a heart of gold.  My first anime crush! hahah

This is ROY MUSTANG. GAHHHH I love this man.  He is totally arrogant, a flirt, total power house, major hottie (no pun intended), and commited to justice.  Who doesn't love Roy Mustang? WHO? I'll tell you who loves him, Riza Hawkeye thats who.  They are the most epic pairing in all of anime history. None can compare.  What I love most about his character is not only his unyielding motivation to help his country, but how he would do anything and give up anything for Riza Hawkeye (though he wouldn't admit it). He is the flame alchemist.

These three.  (from left to right: Alphonse Elric, Edward Elric, and Winry Rockbell)  I would put them as individuals but I love how they all relate to each other.  Ed and Al being brothers, Winry being their childhood friend, Ed and Winry having major crushes on each other, and how they all are devoted deeply (even though Ed is so stubborn). (FMA)

Wow, time flies

I can't believe it's been a whole year since graduation.  Today I'm going to the Da Vinci 2010 Graduation to wish my young friends luck.

I remember when my English teacher read to us the book Oh, the places you'll go! I remember tearing up...it was a very emotional day.  My last day with all these people, with Mr. Holst...and he was very sweet that day what with the book and all.  It made me want to get out there.

And then graduation came around, I made a speech about my art teacher, did a lil dance on stage, hugged my Economics teacher and boom...I was free.  We all lined up and surrounded out families and listened to 2 our fellow students sing John Denvers "leaving on a jet plane".  I cried so much, that song, I still can't listen to it to this day.  I remember wanting to just collapse where I was standing, I was looking at everyone, those crying, those singing along.... it was a moment I'll never forget.  I have never felt so proud of everyone and yet so alone.

Thrice Concert + Thrice

Well of course we get to this moment where I just go on and on about Thrice.

First of all last thur I went to San Fran with my best friend Ana to see Thrice live, and we did.  Was it amazing? Yes.  The show was amazing.  The highlight? Them playing Image of the Invisible.

I'm wound pretty tight. I don't dance, I don't let loose.  However, at these Thrice concerts you would think I was a diff person.  I jump, I pump my fist, I shake my head, I scream and sing my little heart out.  I feel so alive and I don't care who see's because everyone else feels the same way.  The fan's while at times annoying, are all there for Thrice and I feel this sense of support and general like, idk, awesomeness radiate through the room.

Back to Thrice.

I first heard them in the video game Tony Hawk: American Wasteland.  It was image of the invisible.  I can't tell you how, but I felt an instant love for this song.  I searched ENDLESSLY for the song in the little music list in the game. Over like 90 songs.  So I looked them up and found Vheissu.  I listened to the 30 sec samples on amazon.  I thought, ok, it's ok.  But months later they had the whole album to listen to at the local Tower Records.  I listened to the whole thing and begged my father to buy it for me. I listened to it constantly, trying my best to love it, it was so beautiful, I was too ignorant to understand it.  Then it hit me "Wow. This is music."  It became my favorite album, and still is to this day.

Vhiessu is a spiritual journey of sound and word.  Almost indescribable to me.  I have never heard such passion for anything my whole life. Layers. Shredding guitar. Heavy. Melodic.  Masterpiece.  If they had added the song the Flags of Dawn I think it would have completed the whole thing no question. I would stick it between "Of Dust and Nations" and "Stand and Feel Your Worth."

Next I got the album Artist in the Ambulance.  Such a shock!!!  It wasn't the deep melodic layered conquest I had known and loved, but a far cry from it.  It was a heavy rock/punk/pop/scream your head off album.  So I liked it, I was ok with it. It had to grow on me.  Then later after my first Thrice concert, I just loved the album for it's energy and vibe.

Next was The Alchemy Index.  Wow where to begin!!! With so much hype there was a tiny bit of let down on my end.  I think It was a bit too literal but brilliant none the less.  The fire album is made to me performed live.  Water is VERY sleepy.  Beautiful but sleepy.  Air was interesting because it was less literal, but I wish they would have made some songs that sounded like a storm. Air is still a mixed bag of awesome with the only let down really being "As the Crow flies" (which is still a sweet song).  Then Earth.  Earth was my favorite for the longest time.  I listened to "Come All you Weary" too many times.  I wish it had sounded a bit closer to Dustin's solo work but then it wouldn't be Thrice.

Then Beggars, probably their most popular release since Artist in the Ambulance.  Beggars sounds very indie while still having a distinct sound (though at times a bit too much like Brand New).  This record has groove, distortion, and some cool textures.  I don't know why but I am still struggling to absolutely adore this album.  It has amazing writing, but I miss the layers and melodic tones. Everything sounds too live for me.  Like it had a low production value at times.  But that is sort of what they were going for.  But lemme just say, this album is still really good.  Who doesn't just love "Beggars"? Best song on the album. I struggle with the overwhelming negativity from this album though.  The b-sides however I like more than most of the songs that made it on the album.

Only recently have I been trying to get into their older punk stuff.  Not bad, some is a bit too much, but others are pretty frickin awesome.

So what does Thrice mean to me.  More than most things.  I can't think of many other things I have such a passion for.  Their music just speaks to me on another field. It sort of spiritual actually.  I am not a religious person, in fact I would call myself an agnostic, but their music makes me feel close to "god".  I have teared up many times listening to some songs.  I feel so in the moment, like something moves through me.  This is why I love Vheissu so much, it's a positive spiritual record without being all preachy.

I'm writing a story

It's kind of meant to be an anime but idk a story is a story right?

So basically it's about these kids, Cole and Kai, they make a blood oath to always protect each other.  years later Cole runs away and runs into a group of people who are sworn enemies of his people.  He fights them and looses.  However, impressed, they offer him a choice, he can go with them and learn to be stronger or stay weak. He leaves with them.  Kai hears he has gone, with no clue what happened to him, she is heart broken. Years pass and they move on with their lives.  But they find each other again on accident as enemies.  She tries to forge a friendship with him, but he is very hesitant.  She believes the oath is too important to give up, he believes it's irrelevant.  She isn't about to give up on the oath, she decides to uphold it even if he resists.  However, contrary to to what he says, he deep down cares but it trying to push her away.

Anyway yeah it's kind of a Action/Romance/Adventure

Let me know if you'd be interested in updates via email so I can send the story.  It's fairly rough now, without editing from my friend Allie, but I thinks it's good enough for a quick scan.

Isn't it ironic?

This is amazingly accurate.

I have been this person so many times.  It's unfortunate that at times I can continue to be this person at varying degrees.

Here is an idea.  We appreciate everyone in our lives.  We tell them how we feel.
Wouldn't that be an idea.  Courage.

I realize I attach myself to people too easily.  I guess I'm just constantly looking for a form of acceptance, the kind I never felt I got when I was younger.  When I meet people or a person who isn't turned off by my personality, I attach myself (of course in a non stalker way). I love my friends like family, I mean they basically are since I'm not all that close to my family to begin with.  I hope they know I would do almost anything for them in a pinch.

My low budget, casual, kick back dream wedding

Can mine be wearing jeans?

Ok so any girl that says she hasn't thought about her wedding that much is lying, flat out.  I have thought about mine, not in great lengths, but enough.  I either want a no hassle elope, or a back yard wedding.  Oh and I wanna not wear a dress....It that crazy?  Well I figure why wear something I hate on an important day like this?  I just want a BBQ wedding and use the "wedding" money for a place to live and travel for the honeymoon (Rome, Venice, etc).

Some of my friends have planned theirs to a T!  I will be maid of honor a few times (which I am not looking forward to btw).  Ana says she will be a bridezilla, and thats where I check out.  I don't care what my maid of honor wears or whatever. blah blah, it's one day. It's a party.  I say elope and celebration party with the folks. Done.  Buy some expensive cake in a custom design, like mine would be off the top of my head in the shape of the Thrice logo and his would be what ever he likes.

But let's make one thing clear, in no way am I ready to walk down the isle, no wayyyyyyy.  I need to have some kind of financial security and success in my career before settling down.

Deeply personal post. Past trauma: dealing with the dark and light.

So, I guess I've decided to be as open as I can be about something I don't tell many people.  I think making it less of a traumatic experience will make me feel better, idk.  It's just probably something that made me who I am today.  It's something I blocked out of my memory for about 6 years.

When I was 5 years old I went to Valley Oak Elementary.  I was a good kid, a bit of a brat but good.  After school I went to the CDC (Child Development Center).  I liked some of the adults there, though the kids would pick on me.  I was definitely bullied as a child.  Mostly by the older boys.  My whole elementary school career consisted of either being bullied or being the bully.  But I digress.....

One afternoon (around 4 or 5) I was at the CDC waiting to be picked up late by my mother.  I don't remember what I was doing but I remember the event.  One of the older kids (5th or 6th grade) named Francisco (or his brother I don't remember since they were twins I think) came to me and asked if I wanted to read.  I said "okay", so we went up into the loft.  The loft was this wooden platform that you climbed onto using a ladder.  Once up in the loft one could sleep, play cards, or just hang.  We sat down side by side.  I opened the book.  The book was about a family of bears.  I was reading, he was reading.

 I remember everything going slowly after that.  Every second lasted a lifetime.  His arm went around my waist, his hand on my hip.  He looked at me and whispered in my ear "you can be one of my girlfriends like Allison" (she was a friend of mine).  His hand lifted the side of my shirt, his hand on my skin.  His hand began to rub my side (near the belly button area, hip, and just below the breast).  I can't describe the feeling, the only thing I could feel was discomfort.  I knew it wasn't right, I froze.  I felt as if in a shell.

The only silver lining is that he didn't go any further than what had happened.  Probably because we were inside and there where adults around.

It wasn't until seventh grade that the memory (or the acceptance that this had happened) came back to me.  We were talking about sexual harassment in my health class.  I'm pretty sure this event subconsciously has had a devastating affect on me socially.  It's probably the reason for my large personal bubble, especially after 7th grade.  7th grade was the beginning of hormonal changes, I became self conscious, I felt unworthy I guess.  These kind of things mixed with adolescent development does not make for a healthy mind.

When it's all said and done, this kind of thing is not exactly devastating, but it seems like it.  Now as I have grown I have decided to not let these sort of things define me.  To find hope, the light in the dark.  What I have learned the most about this is that you never know everything about someone.  People have so much pain inside you may never know of.  Vulnerability is something we all avoid.

Thrice quotes of inspiration and light: 

"We all were lost now we are found"-Image of the Invisible

"Cross your heart and hold fast hope"- Hold Fast Hope

"Wake, we will weigh and drink this cup. We will burn, but we will not burn up. Wake, feel your worth, O my soul. Speak the word, the word that can save us all.  Awed by grace, I fall on my face. And scream the word that can save us all." -Stand and Feel You're Worth

"so let's find the place where sight begins and see the things that we saw when our eyes were bright and wet against the light. And hold on, hold tight, open daylight, we will overcome"- Flags of Dawn

"Look around and you'll see that at times it feels like no one really cares. It gets me down but I'm still gonna try to do what's right, I know that there's a difference between sleight of hand, and giving everything you have. There's a line drawn in the sand, I'm working up the will to cross it" -The Artist In The Ambulance

"daylight pours fire into my grey eyes, pour grace into my grey life, breaks in and lights the way, I can't live without the day" -Between the End and Where We Lie

[EDIT: I have realized today that being ignored is the worst feeling....]

5 things I hate/like about myself

HATE:

1. I have a tendency to believe I am better than some people. A bit of a know it all.
2. I have a bad temper, though I rarely explode (and by rarely I mean years apart and usually it's internalized).
3. I'm not in the physical shape I wish I was in.
4. I am not forward at all.
5. I'm not very open with feelings (of the romantic sort) and such. Meaning I have intimacy issues.

LIKE:

1. I have a pretty well defined moral compass. Doing evil or bad things in both real life and virtual really bothers me internally.
2. I'm a damn good friend.  I try to be the the kind of friend I would want to have.
3. Even though I'm pretty awkward, I think I have a likability factor.
4. My imagination is pretty cool.
5. My maturity is just ripe enough to be level headed but I can still have some immature moments.

Sufjan Stevens

What an amazing singer, musician, and soul.  His music (thanks to Allie) has been such a light in my life. I use his music to lull me to sleep when I am stressed or depressed and have no will to sleep, he is so soothing.  My favorites of his being Holy, Holy, Holy, Chicago (which I can play on guitar), To Be Alone With You, and That Was the Worst Christmas Ever!  Since first hearing about him I have put 8 songs of his on my iPod, and so much more need to be added!  With the vast amount of music he has available it is necessary that I own them all.

I love how spiritual his music is.  The humanity present in his songs are what's absent in todays music industry.  I personally am not a "Christian" but an agnostic who is slightly spiritual.  I have realized that much of the music I am beginning to like are Christian rock, which is very interesting if you know me.

But the point of this post is to not spread rumors but to simply state that I heard speculation that he is either asexual or gay.  Now I'm pro either, but I'm REALLY pro Asexual being that I myself am one as well.  IDK call it a girls fantasy but it's like wow I have a chance! Not really but sort of.  I mean, I'm not gonna lie, Sufjan is a cutie!  But besides that, he is just an amazing human. 

Holland-

All the time we spent in bed

Counting miles before we set Fall in love and fall apart 

Things will end before they start 

Chicago--

if I was crying

in the van, with my friend it was for freedom

from myself and from the land

To Be Alone With You--

I'd swim across Lake Michigan.

I'd sell my shoes.

I'd give my body to be back again

in the rest of room. To be alone with you. 

Holy Holy Holy--

Holy, holy, holy! Lord God Almighty!

Early in the morning our song shall rise to Thee;

There is a sign at the sight of thee, merciful and mighty!

God in three Persons, God in three Persons, blessèd Trinity!

Some Photography of mine

Back from LA/Disneyland

I had a pretty good time I must say (minus the god awful food and kinda sucky hotel).  My favorite part was Disneyland! DUH!  I think I'm in love with the New Orleans quarter, so much culture and the smell of food is dazzling.  Plus they had a live singer sing that sung the songs from the princess and the frog. They also had an Elvis impersonator later that night, he was pretty groovy, I may have danced a bit...

I must have sent about 300 texts in the last 2 days.  Seriously picture spam everyone.  I mostly talked to Emily, Allie, Victor, and Sadie.

The amount of unhealthy food I hate surpassed my usual limit.  Most of the food was gross, not so much at Disneyland, but from the hotel and around the area.  Actually the best things I ate were this cheeseburger from the hotel restaurant and these jaw droppingly good french fries/dip in the New Orleans quarter.  I had some of my mothers Monte Crisco, it was so confusing, it's basically a ham/turkey with provolone or swiss sandwich, but the bread is like a fried soft crust (doughnut like) with powered sugar.  It was good/gross all at the same time.

Not taken by me

It's interesting doing people watching at a place like Disneyland.  I love to people watch, but let me tell you, when adults visit the the most magical place on earth, they turn into children.  This "Sex and the City" type group of women and their kids where touching everything while in line at the Indiana Jones ride.  It was like watching a group of 12 year olds.  Please parents, I know you find your inner child but please, do so with some poise.  Also in line of the Indiana Jones I spotted what seemed to be a male who is in the beginning stages of becoming a woman.  He was probably around my age if not a year younger or two.  I was confused at first when I saw him, I mean I don't mean to be stereotypical but he not only was very feminine but had what looked to be small breasts.  He was a skinny lad, very tall with a tank top, but he had cleavage.  I'm not saying there is anything wrong with him, actually I felt happy that he took a step in the right direction.  If anything you needed to be there in order to understand what he looked like and what gives me this impression. I told my mother, she looked because I asked "is that a man or a woman?" She said "thats definitely a man", but I kept repeating "no you NEED to look".  Then a few mins later she said "oh ok now I'm confused" and came to the same conclusion.  Idk why but when I see interesting people such as him I want to become friends, I have no idea why.

Now I'm bored, I have been having these adventures that make being back home so droll. :|

PS: American Idol Finale- America made the wrong choice the second year in a row.  It's like as a nation we cannot identify artists.  I actually liked both the finalists, but Crystal has such soul and an amazing voice VS. Lee with the typical nickleback/hinder voice.  I love Lee he is so cute and sweet, but by music, Crystal is an artist.  I'm looking forward to seeing what they both release in the up coming year.  I hope crystal ends up with a producer who understands her alternative folk/soul/hippie style and not try to make her into some kind or single machine of pop music.

Leaving for LA in the morning

I'm really excited.  I never travel.  I feel like this will spur on an excitement for change in my life.  I mean after I get back I'll be driving to meet a friend in sac and drive in the downtown area which I swore I would never do since it scares me (the traffic not the building :P ) but anyway... Yeah I'm excited.

I'm not gonna lie, it will be hard getting away from home, and when I say home I mean the Internet.  Tumblr, Facebook, Blogger, Thrice.net, Hulu, etc all my homes!  Hahah.

Don't be a stranger!  If you have my cell # then use it! I'll miss yuh! I'll text basically any time, but if your gonna call then do so tomorrow between 6pm-7:45pm, 10pm- idk, and then on Friday idkkkk like10pm? Then I'll be back by like 5pm on Saturday.

Besides being in LA, tomorrow is the start of my favorite summer program, So You Think You Can Dance!  I love sytycd!  It's the 2 hour premiere tomorrow at 8pm, I'm so watching!

Anyway... see you guys later, if you miss me here I'll post a song that I have listening to a lot and actually almost dance to.


And this is an older favorite, that I sort of dance to :)


see ya!

PS: The Lost series finale was amazing, I cried my heart out.  It's funny, I think my mother and I were the only ones in the world who kinda got the big secret metaphor right.  I love that show.  I'll miss it, 6 years of my life is now finished. Wow :)

Oh and thank you to the people who wished me all the b-day wishes, especially Sadie who went with me to cultive even though she was sick and poor and it was raining.  Plus her card was very sweet ;)  Sadie is such a good friend, I'm very grateful that her and I ended up so close after never seeing her my whole senior year.  This marks about 7 years of knowing her :)  of course I have known most of my friends for 7 years: Ana, Emily, and Sadie.  Hell I'm bored, I'm gonna post how long I have known all my friends.

Joey: 19 years :O
A "past friend": 14 years
Corina: 13 years!
Daniela: 8 years :D
Ana, Emily, and Sadie: 7 years
Allie and Kate: 4 years (I knew of Allie longer but I didn't "know" her)
Stevie and Alex: 3 years
Rikke:1.5 years
Victor: 5 months hahahah short time.
It's funny, because almost all of these people I have know off and on, like Corina I hadn't talked to for like 4-5 years before I talked to her again! And Sadie was 2 years.

Okay see you sat.