Sufjan Stevens

What an amazing singer, musician, and soul.  His music (thanks to Allie) has been such a light in my life. I use his music to lull me to sleep when I am stressed or depressed and have no will to sleep, he is so soothing.  My favorites of his being Holy, Holy, Holy, Chicago (which I can play on guitar), To Be Alone With You, and That Was the Worst Christmas Ever!  Since first hearing about him I have put 8 songs of his on my iPod, and so much more need to be added!  With the vast amount of music he has available it is necessary that I own them all.

I love how spiritual his music is.  The humanity present in his songs are what's absent in todays music industry.  I personally am not a "Christian" but an agnostic who is slightly spiritual.  I have realized that much of the music I am beginning to like are Christian rock, which is very interesting if you know me.

But the point of this post is to not spread rumors but to simply state that I heard speculation that he is either asexual or gay.  Now I'm pro either, but I'm REALLY pro Asexual being that I myself am one as well.  IDK call it a girls fantasy but it's like wow I have a chance! Not really but sort of.  I mean, I'm not gonna lie, Sufjan is a cutie!  But besides that, he is just an amazing human. 

Holland-

All the time we spent in bed

Counting miles before we set Fall in love and fall apart 

Things will end before they start 

Chicago--

if I was crying

in the van, with my friend it was for freedom

from myself and from the land

To Be Alone With You--

I'd swim across Lake Michigan.

I'd sell my shoes.

I'd give my body to be back again

in the rest of room. To be alone with you. 

Holy Holy Holy--

Holy, holy, holy! Lord God Almighty!

Early in the morning our song shall rise to Thee;

There is a sign at the sight of thee, merciful and mighty!

God in three Persons, God in three Persons, blessèd Trinity!

Some Photography of mine

Back from LA/Disneyland

I had a pretty good time I must say (minus the god awful food and kinda sucky hotel).  My favorite part was Disneyland! DUH!  I think I'm in love with the New Orleans quarter, so much culture and the smell of food is dazzling.  Plus they had a live singer sing that sung the songs from the princess and the frog. They also had an Elvis impersonator later that night, he was pretty groovy, I may have danced a bit...

I must have sent about 300 texts in the last 2 days.  Seriously picture spam everyone.  I mostly talked to Emily, Allie, Victor, and Sadie.

The amount of unhealthy food I hate surpassed my usual limit.  Most of the food was gross, not so much at Disneyland, but from the hotel and around the area.  Actually the best things I ate were this cheeseburger from the hotel restaurant and these jaw droppingly good french fries/dip in the New Orleans quarter.  I had some of my mothers Monte Crisco, it was so confusing, it's basically a ham/turkey with provolone or swiss sandwich, but the bread is like a fried soft crust (doughnut like) with powered sugar.  It was good/gross all at the same time.

Not taken by me

It's interesting doing people watching at a place like Disneyland.  I love to people watch, but let me tell you, when adults visit the the most magical place on earth, they turn into children.  This "Sex and the City" type group of women and their kids where touching everything while in line at the Indiana Jones ride.  It was like watching a group of 12 year olds.  Please parents, I know you find your inner child but please, do so with some poise.  Also in line of the Indiana Jones I spotted what seemed to be a male who is in the beginning stages of becoming a woman.  He was probably around my age if not a year younger or two.  I was confused at first when I saw him, I mean I don't mean to be stereotypical but he not only was very feminine but had what looked to be small breasts.  He was a skinny lad, very tall with a tank top, but he had cleavage.  I'm not saying there is anything wrong with him, actually I felt happy that he took a step in the right direction.  If anything you needed to be there in order to understand what he looked like and what gives me this impression. I told my mother, she looked because I asked "is that a man or a woman?" She said "thats definitely a man", but I kept repeating "no you NEED to look".  Then a few mins later she said "oh ok now I'm confused" and came to the same conclusion.  Idk why but when I see interesting people such as him I want to become friends, I have no idea why.

Now I'm bored, I have been having these adventures that make being back home so droll. :|

PS: American Idol Finale- America made the wrong choice the second year in a row.  It's like as a nation we cannot identify artists.  I actually liked both the finalists, but Crystal has such soul and an amazing voice VS. Lee with the typical nickleback/hinder voice.  I love Lee he is so cute and sweet, but by music, Crystal is an artist.  I'm looking forward to seeing what they both release in the up coming year.  I hope crystal ends up with a producer who understands her alternative folk/soul/hippie style and not try to make her into some kind or single machine of pop music.

Leaving for LA in the morning

I'm really excited.  I never travel.  I feel like this will spur on an excitement for change in my life.  I mean after I get back I'll be driving to meet a friend in sac and drive in the downtown area which I swore I would never do since it scares me (the traffic not the building :P ) but anyway... Yeah I'm excited.

I'm not gonna lie, it will be hard getting away from home, and when I say home I mean the Internet.  Tumblr, Facebook, Blogger, Thrice.net, Hulu, etc all my homes!  Hahah.

Don't be a stranger!  If you have my cell # then use it! I'll miss yuh! I'll text basically any time, but if your gonna call then do so tomorrow between 6pm-7:45pm, 10pm- idk, and then on Friday idkkkk like10pm? Then I'll be back by like 5pm on Saturday.

Besides being in LA, tomorrow is the start of my favorite summer program, So You Think You Can Dance!  I love sytycd!  It's the 2 hour premiere tomorrow at 8pm, I'm so watching!

Anyway... see you guys later, if you miss me here I'll post a song that I have listening to a lot and actually almost dance to.


And this is an older favorite, that I sort of dance to :)


see ya!

PS: The Lost series finale was amazing, I cried my heart out.  It's funny, I think my mother and I were the only ones in the world who kinda got the big secret metaphor right.  I love that show.  I'll miss it, 6 years of my life is now finished. Wow :)

Oh and thank you to the people who wished me all the b-day wishes, especially Sadie who went with me to cultive even though she was sick and poor and it was raining.  Plus her card was very sweet ;)  Sadie is such a good friend, I'm very grateful that her and I ended up so close after never seeing her my whole senior year.  This marks about 7 years of knowing her :)  of course I have known most of my friends for 7 years: Ana, Emily, and Sadie.  Hell I'm bored, I'm gonna post how long I have known all my friends.

Joey: 19 years :O
A "past friend": 14 years
Corina: 13 years!
Daniela: 8 years :D
Ana, Emily, and Sadie: 7 years
Allie and Kate: 4 years (I knew of Allie longer but I didn't "know" her)
Stevie and Alex: 3 years
Rikke:1.5 years
Victor: 5 months hahahah short time.
It's funny, because almost all of these people I have know off and on, like Corina I hadn't talked to for like 4-5 years before I talked to her again! And Sadie was 2 years.

Okay see you sat.

Apparently mothers and teen daughters cannot be friends

"18. Can a mother be friends with her teenage daughter?

No. Most teens aren't ready for anything close to a mature friendship. According to current research, the brain continues to develop into a person's 20s. Mothers often want to befriend their daughters; fathers, their sons. But this is not in anyone's best interest. Teenagers need to form identities distinct from their parents. That means: lots of privacy, even some secrets. It's usually easier for a teenage girl to befriend the friend of her mother, and it's usually best for the mother to leave it at that."

http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/life/answered-lifes-25-toughest-questions-1453059/

WHAT? LOL Who is writing this article? I am totally besties with my mother, we listen to the same music, basically like the same movies, have the same sense of humor, we are two peas in a pod!  I think it's a two way street.  The mother has to be respectful of her teens privacy and be supportive while her daughter needs to honor that trust and be appreciative of said support.

Got a hair cut today

^^I look really young here^^

Anyway yeah it's basically the same, just a bit shorter.  Today is my birthday. 

Oh and regarding the previous post, everyone is alive.

Next blog will be about the Lost series Finale! OOOOMMMGGGGG

Trying to convince someone not to commit suicide

Ugh. Over facebook comments.  Doing my hardest to try. What a depressing night,  I just hope my words are enough.  I don't think I could handle something like that, knowing that I failed.

"Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along 
And pray to God he hears you
And pray to God he hears you

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night 
Had I known how to save a life"-The Frey

2 things (wow)

WARNING: Hey sup guys, so this one is kind of a girlfest of a post.  Full of emotions and feelings.  Please read on but it's pretty girlie. Self pity isn't cute, but neither is pretending everything is okay.

1) I think my life revolves around being ironic.  For example:  How I'm such a hopeless romantic in my head but not in person.  I'm not very nurturing, I can act nurturing and I like nurturing people, but I don't think I am very nurturing naturally.  I also am very socially awkward. One giant dork.

     In my own head I am the sappiest S.O.B. on the block.  But no no no, the way I actually act is very different.  Why is it that who I am on the inside can never seem to make the right translation outside?  I mean don't get me wrong, I can be a very soft individual, but it just can never make itself known in person.  I can be very caring and  loving in impersonal ways like through text or IM or email, but I can never say it looking into someones eye's.  I'm not the type to be complimented all the time, if at all.  I don't revolve my life around compliments, but I don't see where being complimented is a bad thing, I just need to get better at responding to them since I'm very out of practice.  I'll just say that, a friend of mine in particular seems to live her life around how men feel about her, it can destroy her sometimes.  I am not like this at all.  Unlike her I'm not desperate to point out my flaws in the hope someone will like them thus curing me of my lack of self worth.  I feel sad for her, but at the same time I wish she would stop being so desperate.  At Thrice would say: "Wake, stand and feel your worth!"

     Anyway, I realized that I was a hopeless romantic about a year or two ago.  Always the dreamer in my own mind.  Maybe it's a girl thing, or maybe Disney movies ruined me forever.  When ever I create a story and characters, I always create some kind of love story (I know I know, but almost all great stories have some kind of romantic storyline).  I become very attached to these characters, making them often the main focus or the most developed.

     So why is this exactly ironic?  Because I'm the hopeless romantic who can't be vulnerable with others.  Made of stone I pretend.  I guess it's a shield from others.  Thats how I have been described as by many people.  At least they understand that I am quite the soft hearted fool somewhere inside, even if my skin has thorns.  But I realized over the last few months, as I have become more in tune with myself, that those thorns have softened quite a bit.  I feel myself allowing myself to be more...happy, warm hearted, soothing, childlike in my heart.  I blush way too much haha.  I never really believed people when they used the term "my body ached for someone".  I realized that I understand the feeling, not like a sexual ache, but a feeling of your heart beating fast or your pulse racing just because you think of someone.  Looking over my time as this hopeless romantic I find that my hands begin to have a dull pain or "aches" along with a faster pulse.  I just realized something as I write this, it feels like I am waiting for someone to give me permission to be vulnerable or give me the okay to let my guard down because they are also.

2) I feel like there is a piece of me missing.  I think it's creative, but I'm not sure.  I really want to draw but I have a hard time picking up a pencil and paper anymore.  It's kind of depressing since art is like food to someone like me, being an artist, without it I'd just wither away and die (metaphorically speaking).

Birthday on Tue. Yee. Need plans...

Hey 3rd post of the night

Your lucky I'm this AVAILABLE. Actually i'm pretty tired and still full from dinner back at like 6:30.

Anyway, I've decided maybe something I will do for my bday is either Ice Cream or Frozen Yogurt.... Now I just need to find someone to do this with.

But it's not official.  basically juggling a bunch of stuff that depends on other stuff. Priorities and asdfghjkl;

Anyway...night.

OH


I listened to this twice in a row today on the way back to the mall. It makes me all kinds of happy :)

Favorite Song Quotes (the ramblings of an indecisive music fan)

Here is a list of my favorite quotes (actually they are all Thrice lyrics)

FAVE: “I look for exits in the haze, the dense electric twilight maze, I’ve heard that there is one that leads to sunlit lands.” -Between the End and Where we Lie

“Don’t you know that all things hang, as if by a string, O’er the darkness - poised to fall?”- Beggars

“My heart is filled with songs of forever”- In Exile

“I love this city, but I’ve set and numbered its days.  I love this city, enough that I’ll set it ABLAZE.”- The Arsonist

“There is truth beneath the floorboards; there is hope in brick and stone. But they tell me just to shut my mouth; leave well enough alone.”_ The Arsonist

“Show me your jaded eyes. I will turn them red, drunk with vivid flame.”- Backdraft

“The water’s rising now and we will surely drown, if we don’t turn around”-- Lost Continent

“These clouds could never hope to save us.  From such a juggernaut of weight, We all dance a jingo cabaret” -The Sky is Falling

“My fear just fuels the hate machine” _The Sky is Falling

“And after all of this I am amazed, That I am cursed far more than I am praised.”- Silver Wings

“But all other things shall fade away; While love stands alone and still holds sway. All other things shall fade away; Into the ground into the grey.”- Moving Mountains

“And moving mountains ain’t nothing to me”- Moving Mountains

“And though above the world may toil and turn, No prying spades will find you here below.”- Child of Dust

Though all the world may hate us, we are named.  The shadow overtake us, we are known”- Image of the Invisible

“We all were lost now we are found.  No one can stop us or slow us down.  We are the named and we are known.  We know that we’ll never walk alone”- Image of the Invisible

“daylight pours fire into my grey eyes, pour grace into my grey life, breaks in and lights the way, I can’t live without the day.” - Between the End and Where We Lie

“Cause my eyes are open, and everything still moves in slow-motion, breathless and blue, and behind your eyes the sea, oceans of light envelop me.” - Atlantic

“Saturn will not sleep, until the sand has made us clean, still we stack our stones and bury what we can”- Of Dust and Nations

“Wake, feel your worth, O my soul. Speak the word, the word that can save us all.”- Stand and Feel Your Worth

“And soon the sea shall give up her dead. We’ll raise an empire from the bottom of the sea”- Red Sky

“Motion isn’t meaning, It’s just another drug. But it’s all we’ve got… we’ve got nowhere to go.”- Motion Isn't Meaning

“Judge not, lest ye be judged with the girl and come down”- The Weight of Glory

“Under this killing moon, Under this burning sky, The fire’s shining groom, I hold my breath and close my eyes”- Under a Killing Moon

“Your eyes, resting in flame, Leave me breathless again”- Silhouette

“Here’s a line drawn in the sand, I’m working up the will to cross it”- The Artist in The Ambulance

“Wake up everyone! It’s not too late, To save the remnants of our hearts”- The Abolition of Man

“I don’t know why I’m even here.  Guess I’m afraid to be alone.”- See You in the Shallows

“Cause I’m sick of the stabbing, I’m sick of the breaking, I’m sick of the bleeding until we fall down”- Kill Me Quickly

“What are we all living for, If nothing’s worth dying for tonight?- Lullaby

Some of my favorite words:

Grace

Light

Need

Machine

Complex

Breathless

Oceans

Envelop

Open

Love

Heaven

Tears

Soul

Fight

Aches

You

All (almost all) of these words are surprisingly positive.  Most of these come from songs that I love.

25 Things I like

I think I have been too negative.  Here is a list of things that make me happy:

1. A hug from someone I respect. Many of my friends don't hug me because they know about my very large personal bubble, but how will I grow if I don't push some of my boundaries?  I like hugs...
2. Text messages.  Good mornings, good nights, have a nice day, hopes and wishes.  Just to show someone cares is something that can make anyone happy.
3. Flash mobs
4. Video Games
5. Music: Thrice mostly but also Muse and the Glee Soundtrack
6. Fullmetal Alchemist.  I can't even describe how giddy I get when there is an episode on my TiVo!
7. Having a good time with a close friend
8. Concerts.  Even though my back hurts like hell, it's still fun.
9. Disney Movies
10. Corny happy endings
11. Laughing
12. Kisses on the cheek :)
13. Art
14. Creating compelling stories and characters
15. Beaches.  I love the ocean so much.
16. Sleep and naps
17. Love.  Yeah, I can't lie.
18. Chelsea Handler. So funny OMGGGGG
19. So You Think You Can Dance.  I love this show.  At least every season, one dance makes me cry.
20. Knowing people care.
21. Board games
22. Skype
23. The TV show Friends
24. Good Food.  Italian!
25. Doing good deeds for strangers and my friends.

[EDIT: Text message of the week goes to Victor who texted "Just for that I curse you with penis nightmares". hahahaha]

What I look for in a man, this is it

In case you were wondering, this is a necessity for any future relationship.

CHECK OUT DAT BOOTY! Go white boy go!

Not really but you get my point...

Rock Band, Lea Michele, and Birthday

I love the game Rock Band.  I wanna play it with someone. Or Guitar Hero with someone. SOMEONE PLAY WITH ME!  I have Thrice on there (both games) I haven't tried on drums yet.  I have one band with a friend called "The Popes!".  I need a new band....  I also want to try Red Dead Redemption.

By the way, I have given into the fact that I must add Lea Michele to the TOP spot on my lady crush list.  Her voice is of that of a goddess.  I usually don't like female voices all that much but damn, her singing is just spectacular, one of the reasons I love Glee!

Next Thursday I'll be in Disneyland, anybody want me to spam their cell phones with pics from Disneyland?   Next Tue is my birthday (which I have no plans for....*sigh*) I usually make sure I am with friends on my birthday but it's interesting no one has asked if we are gonna celebrate or not. poo...

I have no microwave.  I'm starving, best diet ever, no microwave.  Can't prepare anything quick and fatty.

I know this is a lot to take into in just one blog, but please, try to not riot, remain peaceful.

1. Wanna play Rock Band?
2. Lea Michele is awesome.  I'm still asexual, but if I wasn't I'd tap that (see that humor coming in?)
3. I know yall will miss me while I'm at Disney, and I love you too, but I love Disney a whole lot also.
4. I CAN SPAM YOUR PHONES, YES?  :D
5. Stomach noises...I'm getting used to them.
6. Once again I write this like there are more than 3 people reading this.... *tears*

[edit: Sailor Moon is the worst show in the world, but it's so hilariously bad!]

Random thoughts from me (too much in my head)

Sometimes I feel like I'm too honest
North Korea looks freaking scary yo!
I like when my phone is over run by texts.
I wish I was a better artist.
Purple is a nice color.
I like good morning texts even if I'm still sleeping.
I feel like I could improve on myself more If I had someone to improve for.
I genuinely feel bad when I see people stuck in a rut with someone else.
I have no trouble saying I have lady crushes!  And I have no trouble making sexual references even though they are almost irrelevant to me.
I never really have a plan when writing a blog, I mostly sign on and sit there with a blank text box infront of me till I just start a random topic.
I don't think monogamy is necessarily natural, but I wouldn't engage in anything but that.
I don't have a big issue with polygamist.
The Art's should have more weight in the education system than it does.
I wish Thrice made music like they did back in their Vheissu album *sigh* but I still love them.
My feelings get hurt to easily by people that don't matter.
I want some huge headphones.
Baby sloths are so cute!
I'm quite proud of my 25 lbs weight loss since July of 2009.  It's definitely something I hope to continue.
Sometimes my imagination and logical mind clash.  This makes art, creating, and religion all really hard for me.
I'm tired of people solely blaming Barack Obama for the shit we are in now.
I would like to think I'm not high maintenance... maybe I'm too low maintenance?
FOX NEWS why are you like the worst thing ever yet so funny????
I love sexist humor I cannot lie.  Woman jokes are a riot!
I definitely think people take a chance by being my friend or significant other.  I come with a lot of baggage.
It's unfortunate that people have to make sacrifices in order to be with me romantically...
I couldn't imagine being with someone who wasn't themselves, if they can't be who they are, how could they accept me??
Is it weird that a highlight to my summer is Allie returning home from college? I CAN'T WAIT.
I wish I was a rock star!!!
[someone is moaning or singing outside my window right now...drunk?]
School is taking up basically most of my time, leaving me with a pretty pathetic social life.  Many of my friends don't understand my priorities.
OMG Thrice concert, why are you not sooner?!
I wonder If I would like me if I met me...maybe not at first.
I know I'm really opinionated on how people should live their lives, but....I think I'm a very supportive person at the same time, really.
It's been a life goal of mine to be the best friend I can be.

Age is just a number

     I have realized that I don't like being reminded of my age.  There is a stereotype of the average 19 year old girl (I say 19 since I will be 19 in a week).  My family sure tends to underestimate me, even a certain parent.  I think I really appreciate having my mother understand me so well, since she has been able to stick up to me against my other family members.  My grandparents have never understood that I'm not the average teen or kid or whatever.  It's like the only think I offer as a grandchild is good grades, it's not like they really care about who I am (I'm sure they think they know, but they have no idea).  I like to believe that I understand more than people realize.

     I just don't want people to think bad of me or little of me because of my age.  My whole life I have felt like a 40 year old in my mind.  Though I am proud of having a young heart.  It's very important to me to keep a young heart.  I would probably say that one of the only things I'm immature about is probably in my humor (though I do get some edgier dark or political humor).  I'm not too good for a fart joke. Haha

Thats why I expect a lot from my friendships, because I expect them to act like adults, even though biologically they can't.  Another aspect I never understood about high school or people in general was the drama and mind games and gossiping. Even now I couldn't imagine being that kind of person.  I was bullied in middle school, trust me, I know what it's like to be a victim and hate who you are.  I couldn't be one of those people, I was kind of a bully in elementary school and I feel bad about it.

Thats why I'm glad I have some people in my life that just understand me and can just be mature (well...mature enough)  :)

Quick note:  I feel bad for people who constantly put themselves down.  Or people who think there is something wrong with them just because someone made them feel bad or rejected them.  I have had all of these feelings, but as I get older, I have realized who I am and that judging myself based on what others think of me solely is not as important as what I think of myself.  Thats not to say I don't care what others think, but I'm getting better.  I think one of the things I most worry about is that somehow I am too complicated for people to deal with, be around, get to know, or hell even love (dramatic I know).  But hey I'm not complicated, I'm interesting ;)

Btw totally random: the 90's was the best decade ever.

Watching: Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Season 1

Very sleepy and bored.

LAYER 1: ON THE OUTSIDE.

Name: Ashley Vinck

Birth Date: May 25th

Current Location: Davis, CA

Hair Color: Brown, dyed a reddish brown.

Righty/Lefty: right
Weight: Seriously? hahahah less than 200lbs but more than 90lbs.

LAYER 2: ON THE INSIDE.

Your fear: too many to list, let's stick with bugs, being alone, and needles.

LAYER 3: YESTERDAY, TODAY, TOMORROW.

Your thoughts first waking up: Omg why did I go to bed so late? 5 more mins.....

Your best physical feature: Face? Hands? Biceps?

Your bed time: HAHA funny

Your most missed memory: hmmm...Thrice concert?

LAYER 4: YOUR PICK. 

Pepsi or Coke: Sprite

McDonald’s or Burger King: McDonalds

Single or Group Dates: Single--yesss

Adidas or Nike: Nike

Chocolate or Vanilla: Chocolate!

Cappuccino or Coffee: Smoothie :) 

Art or Math? Art all the way

Love or money?  Love, but money is nice, however I would never sacrifice love for money (well I can't say never, if like I get a job somewhere else and my boyfriend doesn't want me to move away, sorry bub, I gotta work.  Priorities.)
Democrat or Republican: Democrat with some conservative stands.

LAYER 5: DO YOU.

Smoke: Naw

Cuss: Hell yeah

Take showers: Yeah

Have a crush: hmmm hard to say, but yeah sure

Like school: Sometimes, I like the social and artistic aspect

Believe in yourself: Sometimes, generally yes.  But mostly recently.

Believe what goes around comes around: usually

Believe everything happens for a reason: I hope so

Think you’re a health freak: not a freak but becoming more "aware"

Believe in love at first sight: no I do not.

LAYER 6: IN THE PAST MONTH. 

Gone to the mall: hmm...yes

Been on stage: no

Eaten sushi: eww

Been hurt: ummm, physically no.

Dyed your hair: No, I need a hair cut

Been arrested? you know me, all gangster and shit

LAYER 7: HAVE YOU EVER. 

Played a stripping game: no

Kissed the same sex: Yes I have on multiple occasions, long stories...none where my choice in activity.

Gotten beaten up: nope

Changed who you were to fit in: sure

Been in love?  I believe that the only way to "be in love" with someone is you HAVE to be in a relationship with them, love is fine ok loving feelings, but not "in love".

LAYER 8: GETTING OLD. 

Age you’re hoping to be married by: umm maybe late 20's but I'm fine with whatever

Number of kids you’re planning on having: hmmm at the most 2

Name of son/daugter? Boys: Alphonse, Dustin, Josh, Jack, Landon.  Girls: ??? Riza is kinda cute, but it takes a while to get used to.  Sarah, Elizabeth, Erin, Jordan.
Is age just a number: yeah to some extent, though I would never date anyone more than 10 years my senior...

LAYER 9: IN A GIRL/GUY.

Best eye color: well who doesn't love blue eye's but since I have brown I won't judge

Hair color: Brown or Black

short or long hair: Short but it depends on the guy

Fat or fit: LOL ummm idk what ev

Looks or personality: Personality, though having something nice to look at is good XD

Fun or serious: You need a healthy balance of both, but fun keeps the relationship alive along with open communication and trust.

Intelligence or looks: Why can't I have both? lol intelligence definitely.

Dorky or Sophisticated: DoRkY

Overly jealous or too laid back: Too laid back, I mean, between the two extremes I hate jealousy more.

Older/Younger/same age: funny thing, I have always liked someone older than me (minus this one time). So I guess older, must be a maturity thing.

LAYER 10: WHAT WERE YOU DOING.

1 MINUTE AGO: Watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer

1 HOUR AGO: Watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer

1 WEEK AGO: WORKING LIKE CRAZY ON MY VIDEO GAME FINAL

1 YEAR AGO: School

LAYER 11: FINISH THE SENTENCE. 

I FEEL: sleepy

I HATE: being sleepy

I HIDE: in bed

I NEED: to go to bed

I LOVE: SLEEP.

That last post

I feel like such a hormonal girl right now.  Please excuse the explosion of feelings in that last post.

I feel much better now after listening to Glee, skyping Victor, and trying to get this Disneyland trip together.

asdfghjkl;

Yeah lol.  But idk maybe I'll feel the same way tomorrow night, it's always at night, my whole life night has been the hardest time. Blehh.

Dissatisfaction (warning, slightly emo blog, probably overly honest)

I'm in a funk blogger, and not a good one.

     I feel generally dissatisfied at the moment (for the last few days), with how I'm living my life.  I'm having some mood swings at night.  I find that if I don't fill my time with social interaction I get in a bad mood.  I don't know... I feel like there are feeling coming back from years ago, real anxiety.  It's totally illogical.

*Sigh*

    Now looking to the summer I just see 3 months of blah and nada.  Though, as I type this i'm not in a good mood which generally tends to make me paint a bad picture. I think what I'm most dissatisfied with are my sleeping habits.  I'm just wasting my days, and spending all my time alone at night.  I need to fix this messed up sleep schedule.

     I have been planning for the last day to go to Disneyland for my Bday, but this mood is making me really not want to go.  I know I have a slight phobia of travel and an even bigger phobia of not sleeping in my own home (though I love waking up in a place that's not home).  I realized the other day how much I miss being outside (as stupid as that sounds, since I do leave the house) but it's hard to explain.  I know I don't have the motivation to go anywhere, but I have the inner want.  I basically need to get off the internet, I have a horrible dependence on technology.

     I find that only a few things excite me anymore.  One being my rekindled love for Fullmetal Alchemist (which I just saw a new episode today yeeeeee!).  I find it seems to be one of the only things actually entertaining/thrilling me anymore, as nerdy as that sounds.  I think it's interesting how people can develop such deep love for fictional characters.  I think I see some of them and I relate some of my struggles with them.

     I don't know where this sudden depression has come from, maybe I'm just not good at having no work.  Maybe I'm creatively spent (maybe I have pent up creative frustration).  I'm just worried that these feelings are here to stay, since I do have a history with some mild (one time severe) depression.  Started back when I was a child, forced to stay at my dads house when all I wanted was to go home.  I know that experience has completely messed me up for about a decade giving way to the acknowledgment and dramatization of "feelings" or "depression".  My mind makes things seem to much worse than they really are.  I think I miss having friends that are real go getters (not that I don't have that NOW but that they are gone or are working). I think that's one of the main reasons I miss Allie (hey Allie *waves*) because she is pretty adventurous in my opinion, and active and has a real zealous for life (secretly I really admired her all through high school and even now, for her humor, intellect, and epicness).  I always know that when we hang out it's going to be awesome.  I have been kinda active on Skype at night with my friend Victor (hi Victor *waves*) which has been a way of keeping my mind off things and also, having a kick ass time looking and talking about everything under the sun. haha.

I'm just bored. And as bratty as it sounds, being bored is something that has always made me feel so alone.

    Interesting thing is, I have been contemplating the differences lately of emotional Vs. Sentimental and whether I am either.  I know for sure I'm a very emotional person, very.  But I'm not sure now sentimental I am.  I think I'm sentimental towards things that don't matter very much, material things or purely creative things like stories, plots, characters, etc.

     I think another thing that bothers me is that I'm drifting apart form my friends, not seeing them have made this weird void between us.  And I want to trust them, but I have seen so much and heard so much to know I just can't... sometimes I wonder if I'm the only one living in reality while everyone seems to have very different perspectives on situations.  Trust, honesty, and loyalty are what I want most from people, and it seems that people can't manage to deliver on what I think are pretty simple requests.

I think the one good thing is I am not one to sit here in my own misery.  Maybe for a little bit, but I look for things to make me happy, I look for distractions.  I'm not gonna let this consume my every thought. NO.  Thank god I am not like that, or I would be a very different person today.

HEY HEY HEY, we can do this!!! yeah! Let's focus on the positives and what to look forward to!

• Disneyland! Yeah!  let's get on an airplane (I love airports <3) and enjoy some time off and enjoy the most magical place on earth with the person I love most, mom.
• Thrice Concert with Ana! WOOOO!  Thrice will be so amazing (I'm listening to them currently) and yeah I'll have to spend the night away at dad's but at least Ana will be there.  It's all worth it.  Plus I actually like waking up at dads.
• Allie coming back from college! yeah!  I can't wait to geek out, and ride our bikes!
• The Beach!  OH YEAH!  who doesn't love the beach?!
• My bday party, probably just gonna do boweling at the MU.
• Painting my room, LIKE A BOSS.
• Rikke staying for a day, from Denmark! Yessss! I miss that girl so much!
• Hanging out with my new friends :3 (lol idk why I say new friends like I have more than 1 lolz).
• And re-connecting with friends.  I have to mend some lost bonds.
• And tomorrow, the GCOM awards! Let's hope I get something (word on the street is I have a good chance). Haha I'm so cocky and competitive. (Please god no speech....)

This is probably a bit forced, but I have to be, or else it's just back to negativity.  Who know's, by tomorrow, all these feelings could be gone.  (After writing this huge entry, I'm feeling a bit better)

[UPDATE: just listened to Glee music and I feel so much better]

Glee flash mob (I swear I'm an emotional wreck)

So this is one of the coolest things I have ever seen.  As a fan of the show Glee I thought it was cool, but it goes beyond that.  For me, I love flash mobs.  I feel like I'm witnessing people experience life to fullest with music and dance.  I'm not gonna lie, I totally teared up watching it.  I don't know why I feel these sort of things so deeply but I do.  It's happy tears.  ( ;

It's like watching a moment of something so impossible it's just a little wonder of life.

Happy mothers day

I just finished reading http://postsecret.blogspot.com/2010/05/mothers-day-secrets.html and I have to say, I'm crying quite a bit.  It's not even so much the secrets but the comments, though there are 2 secrets I am quite emotional over.

Anyway, love you mom.  Forever and always, for being my best friend to being a shoulder to cry on to understanding me in my most awkward of phases to laughing with me and being on my team against the world.  Theres a reason you were always everyones favorite mother.  You work so hard for so little.  One day, I will make it all up to you.  And even if I am sometimes embarrassed about walking around with "mommy" on the same college campus, I couldn't be more proud.

I need to stop crying......

So finally an about me (double post tonight! Don't you feel lucky)

So I realized that I never wrote a blog that said who I am!  Like really, not even an introduction.  Tisk tisk on me.  SO here:

     Hello, My name is Ashley Victoria Vinck Morales (yay for full names) I am 18 years old and go to Sacramento Community College.  I have always had an interest in art since I started drawing in 3rd/4th grade (pokemon, video game characters, etc) but then a little show called Dragon Ball Z came into my life and BAM I drew nothing but DBZ for the longest time.  Since then I have been attempting to hone my skills as an artist in many different mediums whether it be drawing, photography, charcoal, graphic design, water color, etc.  I want to go to school in San Francisco, but something tells me I won't be.  I don't even know what I want to do, I mean I think I want to be a Video Game designer, but idk if my dream came true I would be an Anime creator (like story wise).  But yeah.

     I live in Davis, CA the most boring place in California I think, but it's a nice place to raise a family.  I want to move to the east coast to be honest but I'm too "scarred" to do so. Anyway, I was raised spoiled but strict.  I got almost anything I wanted, but mostly because I was well behaved.  I never really had a rebellious period, just an awkward one all through Jr High and most of High School, it's only been like less than a year since I have come into my own.  I actually enjoyed High School (aside from the CONSTANT drama).

     I love music, I really do and I'm fairly opinionated about it also.  I hate to be the person who says "radio sucks" but.... radio sucks.  I mean they play every damn song a million times over and over, not to mention all the music sounds the same.  My favorite band is Thrice, they are my biggest inspiration in life.  So I owe a lot to them, I try and be the best fan I can be.

     I'm a fairly political person, Democrat with some conservative views, but I'm pretty socially liberal, almost 100% on that front.  I hate FOX news, I watch it though for fun, because it's so infuriating to watch it's almost entertaining (Glen Beck really?  Sarah Palin really?) anyway, I am an opinionated person, enough that I can put some ignorant people in their place.  Though I don't really care for CNN or MSNBC.  Nothing is worse than arguing with someone with no political knowledge to back up their own opinion.

     I'm a huge dork with some geek and nerd thrown in.  Social nerd, internet savvy lady.  I like a lil anime (Fullmetal Alchemist FTW!) I run 4 blogs, 2 personal and 2 fan pages.  I still have some stuffed animals, I have final fantasy all over my walls,  I may even have a few action figures lying around, and I love Disney (I'm currently in love with the song "So This Is Love").  I love to watch TV.  I love Video Games.  I don't really like to read. I have a fair amount of pop culture knowledge, which I am proud of.

     I grew up as a tomboy.  I only get more girlie with age.  I think, through out High School I had a rep for being the controlling artistic nerd who was really shy but who would yell if you didn't do your work.  I guess this is accurate but I'm not some doormat everyone thinks I am, at least I hope I'm not.  I know I hardly talked but I tried to put myself out there, but being so different from most of my peers, it made it hard to socialize.  I am A LOT more sensitive than people realize, my heart is very soft, but I have a tough shell.  I'm not good at receiving compliments and I hardly ever reveal my feelings when they are deeply personal directly to someone (we are talking about love people!).  I'm pretty sure I have an intimacy problem.  I like being emotionally open to outside messages and feelings, though giving it back is hard.  I like being there for people, trying to be the best friend I can be.  I am a self conscious individual, pretty concerned about my appearance and weight (but what girl isn't?).  I try not to be shallow in any walk of life.  I have a huge ego.  Sometimes I wonder if I'm a gay man trapped in a girls body (haha).  I pretend to have more attitude than I actually do.  Stupidity should be wiped from the planet.  I'm the most neurotic person I know.  My favorite thing in the world (besides Thrice) is to laugh.

Hmm...what else?

(random stuff)
I'm smart, good GPA I graduated with like either a 3.9 or a 4.0.  I talked at my graduation, which was nerve racking but exciting, according to a few people I did pretty well.  I deeply miss High School, it was just a good environment.  OH I do youtube vlogs (I'll post some when I post new ones).  I'm learning guitar.  I can and do drive.  Never done drugs. You know, I just think I'm a good person, I don't even wanna brag, but I wish more people would care as much as I do I am just saying.  My mama raised me right!  I am not close to my family aside from my mother.  I have been pretty isolated from them ( I see my dad but.... ehh it's complicated).  When I was younger I told my grandmother and dad I wanted to get a free scholarship to college thus getting a 4.0 and they basically laughed.  So my whole life has been to prove them wrong. My friends have never seen me cry from personal sadness (only like from movies).  I am agnostic/questioning Christian (or just spiritual). As of now the people I get along with best are my dear friends Ana, Sadie, Allie, and Victor (and some others I don't see often).  I may strongly disagree with how some of my friends choose to spend their lives but I will always support them.  Drunk? Need a lift?  I'm your girl.  But prepare for a lecture.

Thats it, I'm tired!

She's so green

So I haven't been posting as much and I'm sorry, I have been neglectful.  Here and on Tumblr.  But here, it's something that has been bothering me for a few years.

     So today I watched another MTV special on "True Life: I'm in a Jealous Relationship" or something like that.  I tell you, possessiveness is just such a no-no turn off I can't even put into words.  It's like "I don't belong to you, and I never will."  These are the sort of traits of an abusive relationship (not always physical, sometimes emotional and trust me I know both).  I have seen this special like 129875609 times over the last like 4 years, too many times and all I can think is"WTF?" every time.  Watching these couples fight about the most petty of encounters.  AND THEN people who cheat because they think the other cheated.  Oh yeah, very mature.  All I'm saying is, if you don't trust the person your with, just quit nagging and just dump them, it's not worth the headache!  You can't be with someone you don't trust.  Oh yeah like your going to marry someone who you don't trust, or who doesn't trust you enough so they nag  nag nag (don't get me started on girl's that nag constantly OMG).  It's a dead end.  Move on.

     I think everyone is jealous at some point, but the constantly jealous type is what gets me.  For me it's like, okay I'm jealous but I'm not going to say anything because I don't want drama, so I choose trust.  Though, that tends to bite me in the butt.

     Well yeah, thats it, it's just a pet peeve.  Other than that life is pretty good, just having to deal with finals and HW and play testing and blah blah.  Other than my educational life, I guess socially it's been pretty good, I think being around people who don't lie and steal has been good for me. I think this summer will be good (at least for the moments I won't be taking care of my mother).  I know I'll be exercising more at the gym and riding my bike perhaps along the greenbelt.

ItsKingsleyBitch

I love this kid.

He is hilarious.  WATCH.

I have seen all his vid's like 3 times each.  This is my favorite.

Quick thing

I'll probably post again later tonight.

But I would like to point out one thing.  From the movie "The Breakfast Club", surprisingly awesome movie, with probably my ultimate favorite lines of any movie:

Allison Reynolds: When you grow up, your heart dies.
John: So, who cares?
Allison Reynolds: I care. 


I think for me, the best part of that right there is when she says "I care" with tears in her eye's.  Just thinking about it I get a bit teary because I understand what she means. 

Been pretty sick

With the stomach flu.

It's pretty frustrating.  I was looking forward to play testing on thur and seeing Daniela today, but...NO.  It was thur morning when I was taking a shower when I got nauseous, so I went to sleep.  Woke up, felt better, then felt like crap, then more crap, then bombs away!  I began to "pray to the porcelain god" or "multi colored yawn" (puke).  Uhhh I felt like some pathetic hungover mess hugging the toilet (though I wan't hungover).  So in this pathetic state I texted people for some sympathy including my mother.  She left work and made sure I wasn't dead.  Then I proceeded to lay on the couch, drink some pepto bismol, and throw up said pepto bismol 10 mins later.  Let me just say I don't think my body has ever had such violent convulsions in my life, I sounded like a lion coughing up a lung.  I attempted to send an email over Facebook to cancel some plans, but I guess my body wasn't ready for such excitement as Facebook.  Later I had a body temperature of 100.8 f, yet was shaking from chills.  I became very sensitive to any form of light, giant migraine headaches, and my legs were in so much pain.  That night I couldn't sleep, tossing and turning. Woke up, legs hurting more, neck and shoulders stiff as can be, headache, cold, you get the point.

So basically, I have barely had anything to eat. I'm starving.  I have drinkin my weight in ginger ale. I have lost 4lbs in 30 hours. Best diet ever.  I've only had chicken noodle soup, ice chips, ginger ale, water mixed with Gatorade, a few saltine crackers, 2 bites of dry toast, 2 baked French fries, a bite of grilled cheese, and a few crumbs of pound cake.  Looks like a lot, and It would be, if it wasn't spread over 48 hours and the portions weren't bite sized.

As of now I'm no longer nauseous, the headaches are not as intense, major chest and neck pain, weak legs, I was able to submit my Thrice designs, mom is playing some computer games on my bed, and just finished the amazing movie Clueless! "You're a virgin who can't drive."

Hey! at least I can drive.