I don't understand women sometimes

I don't see how "dorkiness" is a bad thing/turnoff.  I have never wanted to date a rico suave` character, just a genuine goofy dude.  It just seems the most real.  Like some women see this as a real negative. I just sit there amazed by how being dorky is perceived as bad, annoying is bad, but a dork is just being goofy and comfortable in your own skin, owning who you are.

I'm a huge dork so I would never want someone to judge me for that.

Some thoughts

Thought #1:  I think it's incredible unfortunate how blind people are in terms of their own happiness.  They convince themselves they are happy or content in their lives, relationships, friendships, etc when I can clearly see that it's not so.  Though to be fair, i'm pretty blind myself.  It always takes some big event to make everything click.  I know what will make me happier, but it's not easily achieved and quite frankly is impossible to force.

Thought #2:  I can't imagine not being a better person after this summer.  I don't think I have ever been so productive in all my life.  I know some freeways now, I have more confidence getting around, and I have been doing about 200% more work around the house.

Thought #3: I have some pent up artistic frustration. I need to write.

Thought #4: The other day I was listening to the song "I want you (she's so heavy)" and out loud I said "thats a sexy song".  Thats a new one for me.

Thought #5: Digital cable can suck it for all I care. FFFFFFFFFF- the only good thing about the forced switch has been that now we get the game show network back.

Thought #6: Downtown Sacramento is actually kinda gorgeous. I had forgotten.

Thought #7: I realize that my IQ drops depending on who I'm talking to.  Generally around my lady friends I can be sort of intellectually dominant.  However I realized that with that of my male friends I tend to somehow lose 10 IQ points.  I get klutzy and basically lose my own self respect. It's frustrating, I don't want to be that girl who dumbs her self down for men.  I know I am an intelligent girl, but I know I become intimidated very easily by those of the same or higher intelligence (with men especially). GAHHH!!!

Disney Survey (mix of princess and non princess)

Favorite movie? The Little Mermaid.  I love how they animated this movie.  Plus Ariel is my favorite princess...

Favorite princess? Ariel yeah haha

Favorite prince? 

Favorite song?  Hard to say... I love "part of your world"  But I also love "Gaston"...

Favorite kiss?  ehhh Idk... Aladdin and Jasmine?

Prettiest princess?  I would say Belle/ Ariel/ Pocahontas

Saddest moment? Mufasas death

Favorite couple? Tarzan and Jane or Hercules and Meg

Best hair? ARIEL

Favorite animal sidekick? Abu

Favorite villain? IDK I don't like villians.  Gaston probably.

Favorite romantic moment? Tarzan and Jane swinging on the vines at night and then the vines winde around each other. lol.

Favorite singing voice? ARIEL

Favorite name? Prince Naveen

Favorite soundtrack? Aladdin

Funniest moment? Anything with genie

Favorite quote? "And for once it might be grand, to have someone understand, I want so much more than they've got planned." -Belle

Bravest princess?  Mulan no doubt (not really a princess, but for that I guess...Ariel? NO, POCAHONTAS! )

Favorite happy ending? Ariel, I love the look on her face when her father gives her legs.

Hospital/Surgery

Well on Friday my mother had spinal surgery.  I was at the hospital for about 15.5. hours.  She was in surgery for 9 hours.  I have to say, it's pretty traumatic to see your mother only 2 hours after such extensive surgery.  Nothing is worse than seeing the most important person in the world to you in pain.  I had to use the bathroom twice at the hospital to cry, then once again when I got home.

I have been living with one of my best friends Sadie.  I really appreciate having her here.  She is almost like a mother.  We have been staying up every night watching anime haha.

I am however getting tired of people thinking I can't do stuff now that my mother is gone.  I'm an adult, I'm not stupid.

Well anyway, on Monday I'm going to the Arden Fair mall then the hospital.  Then on Tue I'm going to Downtown sac, walk around, maybe see a friend (that means you Victor), take pictures IDK.  Sadie will be there.  On wed I might be going to the beach with Daniela and Allie.

I'm just trying to distract myself at the moment.

Mom's doing well though, recovering very nicely.

It's been a while since my last blog (anime oriented)

Today wasn't the best day..... I have a lot of things in my mind.  Between the death (and possible murder) of a friends father, the new digital cable that has blocked my Tivo, my mothers spinal surgery on Friday, having issues with one parental unit, I miss the people I met at school, and just...other stuff.

I have been looking for things to do basically.  I have been turning to my new favorite pastime: watching anime.  Nerdy I know, I have always liked anime, but I have been expanding my viewing from just like 1 a year to a few within the last week.

So to waste some time I found this anime thing, I was gonna do it on Tumblr but people sometimes aren't feeling the love.  So okay.

1. Very First Anime?
Sailor Moon omg.....

2. Favorite Anime?
This is easy.  Fullmetal Alchemist.

3. Your anime crush?
WHICH ONE?  ummm okay: Gohan (DBZ), Roy Mustang (FMA), Tamaki and Mori (Ouran High School Host Club), and Riza Hawkeye (FMA)  <----YEAH THATS A WOMAN. SHE'S A BAMF.

4. Anime you're ashamed you enjoyed?
Ouran High School Host Club, Tenchi, and Naruto.

5. Anime character you feel your most like (or wish you were)?
hmmm.  good question, well there are certain things about Tamaki (OHSHC) that I think I am sort of like.  Our total unrealistic romantic expectations, believes friends to be like family (though i'm not an idiot like him).  I think there are bit's of me like Gohan, we both get good grades, good people, etc.  And maybe Haruhi (OHAHC) for our cynical outlook.  I wish I was like Riza Hawkeye, she is do dignified and loyal and strong and is basically the perfect woman.

6. Most annoying anime character?
How about the entire cast of Salior moon. WOOOOOW.  Naruto is pretty annoying also.  Also I'm not much a fan for the twins in OHSHC.

7.  Favorite anime couple?
THIS IS SO SIMPLE.  ROY MUSTANG AND RIZA HAWKEYE.  It's not like "official" or anything but everyone knows they are in love.  I am a huge shipper of Royai, I celebrated Royai day with a fiery passion.  But I also support Edward x Winry, Gohan xVidel, Tamaki x Haruhi, Mori x Haruhi, Sakura x Sasuke.

8. Most epic scene ever?
wow I have no idea.  Purely based on what I have seen, it has to be sometime in FMA.

9.  Saddest anime scene?
T_____T omg....*SPOILER ALERT*  ok when Maes Hughes was murdered, and when Nina was turned into a chimera... I cried so much during both.

10. Favorite anime hero/heroine
MALE: Gohan
WOMAN: umm.... Does Riza Count?

11. Favorite Harem anime?
Tenchi. My favorite reverse Harem is OHSHC though.

12. Favorite opening theme song?
"Ready. Steady. Go!" by  L'arc~en~Ciel (FMA original series)
"Haruka Kanata" by Asian Kun Fu Generation (Naruto)
Also the first opening song in the Brotherhood series but idk what it's called.

13. Favorite pokemon?
oh god.  pikachu, togepi, rapadash, eevee, and arcanine.

14.  Favorite anime ending theme?
IDK.  The ending of Ouran High School Host Club.

15. Favorite character?

(FMA) This is Riza Hawkeye.  She is the most bad ass female character ever written in history.  Basically all your arguments are invalid.  Her loyalty and strength are why I look up to her so much. The women of FMA are all the best and really unique, but Riza Hawkeye takes the cake.  She may not be an alchemist, but she has the best eye for shooting around. You go girl!!!!!  (and she has the honor of being my only anime lady crush!)

This is Tamaki Souh.  He is a complete idiot.  But he has more heart in this pinky than you have in your chest.  One of the sweetest characters ever (and most hillarious btw).  He is over dramatic, rich, romantic, adorable, and innocent.  At first I hated him so much, I thought "omg this guy is a moron and super annoying" but then as time went on I saw him begin to open and before I knew it he became my favorite part of the show.  (OHSHC)

This is Gohan from Dragonball Z.  He is a pretty under estimated character.  I loved him when he was just a little boy, but I grew very attached to him as he got older and into high school.  He may be a total nerd, but he has a heart of gold.  My first anime crush! hahah

This is ROY MUSTANG. GAHHHH I love this man.  He is totally arrogant, a flirt, total power house, major hottie (no pun intended), and commited to justice.  Who doesn't love Roy Mustang? WHO? I'll tell you who loves him, Riza Hawkeye thats who.  They are the most epic pairing in all of anime history. None can compare.  What I love most about his character is not only his unyielding motivation to help his country, but how he would do anything and give up anything for Riza Hawkeye (though he wouldn't admit it). He is the flame alchemist.

These three.  (from left to right: Alphonse Elric, Edward Elric, and Winry Rockbell)  I would put them as individuals but I love how they all relate to each other.  Ed and Al being brothers, Winry being their childhood friend, Ed and Winry having major crushes on each other, and how they all are devoted deeply (even though Ed is so stubborn). (FMA)

Wow, time flies

I can't believe it's been a whole year since graduation.  Today I'm going to the Da Vinci 2010 Graduation to wish my young friends luck.

I remember when my English teacher read to us the book Oh, the places you'll go! I remember tearing up...it was a very emotional day.  My last day with all these people, with Mr. Holst...and he was very sweet that day what with the book and all.  It made me want to get out there.

And then graduation came around, I made a speech about my art teacher, did a lil dance on stage, hugged my Economics teacher and boom...I was free.  We all lined up and surrounded out families and listened to 2 our fellow students sing John Denvers "leaving on a jet plane".  I cried so much, that song, I still can't listen to it to this day.  I remember wanting to just collapse where I was standing, I was looking at everyone, those crying, those singing along.... it was a moment I'll never forget.  I have never felt so proud of everyone and yet so alone.

Thrice Concert + Thrice

Well of course we get to this moment where I just go on and on about Thrice.

First of all last thur I went to San Fran with my best friend Ana to see Thrice live, and we did.  Was it amazing? Yes.  The show was amazing.  The highlight? Them playing Image of the Invisible.

I'm wound pretty tight. I don't dance, I don't let loose.  However, at these Thrice concerts you would think I was a diff person.  I jump, I pump my fist, I shake my head, I scream and sing my little heart out.  I feel so alive and I don't care who see's because everyone else feels the same way.  The fan's while at times annoying, are all there for Thrice and I feel this sense of support and general like, idk, awesomeness radiate through the room.

Back to Thrice.

I first heard them in the video game Tony Hawk: American Wasteland.  It was image of the invisible.  I can't tell you how, but I felt an instant love for this song.  I searched ENDLESSLY for the song in the little music list in the game. Over like 90 songs.  So I looked them up and found Vheissu.  I listened to the 30 sec samples on amazon.  I thought, ok, it's ok.  But months later they had the whole album to listen to at the local Tower Records.  I listened to the whole thing and begged my father to buy it for me. I listened to it constantly, trying my best to love it, it was so beautiful, I was too ignorant to understand it.  Then it hit me "Wow. This is music."  It became my favorite album, and still is to this day.

Vhiessu is a spiritual journey of sound and word.  Almost indescribable to me.  I have never heard such passion for anything my whole life. Layers. Shredding guitar. Heavy. Melodic.  Masterpiece.  If they had added the song the Flags of Dawn I think it would have completed the whole thing no question. I would stick it between "Of Dust and Nations" and "Stand and Feel Your Worth."

Next I got the album Artist in the Ambulance.  Such a shock!!!  It wasn't the deep melodic layered conquest I had known and loved, but a far cry from it.  It was a heavy rock/punk/pop/scream your head off album.  So I liked it, I was ok with it. It had to grow on me.  Then later after my first Thrice concert, I just loved the album for it's energy and vibe.

Next was The Alchemy Index.  Wow where to begin!!! With so much hype there was a tiny bit of let down on my end.  I think It was a bit too literal but brilliant none the less.  The fire album is made to me performed live.  Water is VERY sleepy.  Beautiful but sleepy.  Air was interesting because it was less literal, but I wish they would have made some songs that sounded like a storm. Air is still a mixed bag of awesome with the only let down really being "As the Crow flies" (which is still a sweet song).  Then Earth.  Earth was my favorite for the longest time.  I listened to "Come All you Weary" too many times.  I wish it had sounded a bit closer to Dustin's solo work but then it wouldn't be Thrice.

Then Beggars, probably their most popular release since Artist in the Ambulance.  Beggars sounds very indie while still having a distinct sound (though at times a bit too much like Brand New).  This record has groove, distortion, and some cool textures.  I don't know why but I am still struggling to absolutely adore this album.  It has amazing writing, but I miss the layers and melodic tones. Everything sounds too live for me.  Like it had a low production value at times.  But that is sort of what they were going for.  But lemme just say, this album is still really good.  Who doesn't just love "Beggars"? Best song on the album. I struggle with the overwhelming negativity from this album though.  The b-sides however I like more than most of the songs that made it on the album.

Only recently have I been trying to get into their older punk stuff.  Not bad, some is a bit too much, but others are pretty frickin awesome.

So what does Thrice mean to me.  More than most things.  I can't think of many other things I have such a passion for.  Their music just speaks to me on another field. It sort of spiritual actually.  I am not a religious person, in fact I would call myself an agnostic, but their music makes me feel close to "god".  I have teared up many times listening to some songs.  I feel so in the moment, like something moves through me.  This is why I love Vheissu so much, it's a positive spiritual record without being all preachy.

I'm writing a story

It's kind of meant to be an anime but idk a story is a story right?

So basically it's about these kids, Cole and Kai, they make a blood oath to always protect each other.  years later Cole runs away and runs into a group of people who are sworn enemies of his people.  He fights them and looses.  However, impressed, they offer him a choice, he can go with them and learn to be stronger or stay weak. He leaves with them.  Kai hears he has gone, with no clue what happened to him, she is heart broken. Years pass and they move on with their lives.  But they find each other again on accident as enemies.  She tries to forge a friendship with him, but he is very hesitant.  She believes the oath is too important to give up, he believes it's irrelevant.  She isn't about to give up on the oath, she decides to uphold it even if he resists.  However, contrary to to what he says, he deep down cares but it trying to push her away.

Anyway yeah it's kind of a Action/Romance/Adventure

Let me know if you'd be interested in updates via email so I can send the story.  It's fairly rough now, without editing from my friend Allie, but I thinks it's good enough for a quick scan.

Isn't it ironic?

This is amazingly accurate.

I have been this person so many times.  It's unfortunate that at times I can continue to be this person at varying degrees.

Here is an idea.  We appreciate everyone in our lives.  We tell them how we feel.
Wouldn't that be an idea.  Courage.

I realize I attach myself to people too easily.  I guess I'm just constantly looking for a form of acceptance, the kind I never felt I got when I was younger.  When I meet people or a person who isn't turned off by my personality, I attach myself (of course in a non stalker way). I love my friends like family, I mean they basically are since I'm not all that close to my family to begin with.  I hope they know I would do almost anything for them in a pinch.

My low budget, casual, kick back dream wedding

Can mine be wearing jeans?

Ok so any girl that says she hasn't thought about her wedding that much is lying, flat out.  I have thought about mine, not in great lengths, but enough.  I either want a no hassle elope, or a back yard wedding.  Oh and I wanna not wear a dress....It that crazy?  Well I figure why wear something I hate on an important day like this?  I just want a BBQ wedding and use the "wedding" money for a place to live and travel for the honeymoon (Rome, Venice, etc).

Some of my friends have planned theirs to a T!  I will be maid of honor a few times (which I am not looking forward to btw).  Ana says she will be a bridezilla, and thats where I check out.  I don't care what my maid of honor wears or whatever. blah blah, it's one day. It's a party.  I say elope and celebration party with the folks. Done.  Buy some expensive cake in a custom design, like mine would be off the top of my head in the shape of the Thrice logo and his would be what ever he likes.

But let's make one thing clear, in no way am I ready to walk down the isle, no wayyyyyyy.  I need to have some kind of financial security and success in my career before settling down.

Deeply personal post. Past trauma: dealing with the dark and light.

So, I guess I've decided to be as open as I can be about something I don't tell many people.  I think making it less of a traumatic experience will make me feel better, idk.  It's just probably something that made me who I am today.  It's something I blocked out of my memory for about 6 years.

When I was 5 years old I went to Valley Oak Elementary.  I was a good kid, a bit of a brat but good.  After school I went to the CDC (Child Development Center).  I liked some of the adults there, though the kids would pick on me.  I was definitely bullied as a child.  Mostly by the older boys.  My whole elementary school career consisted of either being bullied or being the bully.  But I digress.....

One afternoon (around 4 or 5) I was at the CDC waiting to be picked up late by my mother.  I don't remember what I was doing but I remember the event.  One of the older kids (5th or 6th grade) named Francisco (or his brother I don't remember since they were twins I think) came to me and asked if I wanted to read.  I said "okay", so we went up into the loft.  The loft was this wooden platform that you climbed onto using a ladder.  Once up in the loft one could sleep, play cards, or just hang.  We sat down side by side.  I opened the book.  The book was about a family of bears.  I was reading, he was reading.

 I remember everything going slowly after that.  Every second lasted a lifetime.  His arm went around my waist, his hand on my hip.  He looked at me and whispered in my ear "you can be one of my girlfriends like Allison" (she was a friend of mine).  His hand lifted the side of my shirt, his hand on my skin.  His hand began to rub my side (near the belly button area, hip, and just below the breast).  I can't describe the feeling, the only thing I could feel was discomfort.  I knew it wasn't right, I froze.  I felt as if in a shell.

The only silver lining is that he didn't go any further than what had happened.  Probably because we were inside and there where adults around.

It wasn't until seventh grade that the memory (or the acceptance that this had happened) came back to me.  We were talking about sexual harassment in my health class.  I'm pretty sure this event subconsciously has had a devastating affect on me socially.  It's probably the reason for my large personal bubble, especially after 7th grade.  7th grade was the beginning of hormonal changes, I became self conscious, I felt unworthy I guess.  These kind of things mixed with adolescent development does not make for a healthy mind.

When it's all said and done, this kind of thing is not exactly devastating, but it seems like it.  Now as I have grown I have decided to not let these sort of things define me.  To find hope, the light in the dark.  What I have learned the most about this is that you never know everything about someone.  People have so much pain inside you may never know of.  Vulnerability is something we all avoid.

Thrice quotes of inspiration and light: 

"We all were lost now we are found"-Image of the Invisible

"Cross your heart and hold fast hope"- Hold Fast Hope

"Wake, we will weigh and drink this cup. We will burn, but we will not burn up. Wake, feel your worth, O my soul. Speak the word, the word that can save us all.  Awed by grace, I fall on my face. And scream the word that can save us all." -Stand and Feel You're Worth

"so let's find the place where sight begins and see the things that we saw when our eyes were bright and wet against the light. And hold on, hold tight, open daylight, we will overcome"- Flags of Dawn

"Look around and you'll see that at times it feels like no one really cares. It gets me down but I'm still gonna try to do what's right, I know that there's a difference between sleight of hand, and giving everything you have. There's a line drawn in the sand, I'm working up the will to cross it" -The Artist In The Ambulance

"daylight pours fire into my grey eyes, pour grace into my grey life, breaks in and lights the way, I can't live without the day" -Between the End and Where We Lie

[EDIT: I have realized today that being ignored is the worst feeling....]

5 things I hate/like about myself

HATE:

1. I have a tendency to believe I am better than some people. A bit of a know it all.
2. I have a bad temper, though I rarely explode (and by rarely I mean years apart and usually it's internalized).
3. I'm not in the physical shape I wish I was in.
4. I am not forward at all.
5. I'm not very open with feelings (of the romantic sort) and such. Meaning I have intimacy issues.

LIKE:

1. I have a pretty well defined moral compass. Doing evil or bad things in both real life and virtual really bothers me internally.
2. I'm a damn good friend.  I try to be the the kind of friend I would want to have.
3. Even though I'm pretty awkward, I think I have a likability factor.
4. My imagination is pretty cool.
5. My maturity is just ripe enough to be level headed but I can still have some immature moments.