25(30) facts about ME

I'm a bit lazzy tonight in my post, so I decided to do some stupid Facebook thing where you state 25 facts about yourself, lets see if I can get more than 12.  Sorry if the list is too negative, sometimes it's easier to focus on the negative.  Also sorry for any TMI, I have a tendency of being too honest online since I'm fairly closed off in real life.

1. I have developed in the last 2 weeks or so a Riza Hawkeye addiction/obsession. Don't judge me.
2. Milk is my favorite drink.
3. I think I need to be more forward with how I feel.
4. When I hit the lottery, I will pay for everyones college, no joke.  To any school they want, their dream school.
5. I love post-it notes so much, I receive them as Christmas presents. (one time back in 11th grade my friend Kate gave me plastic cups because of my germaphobia haha lmao)
6. I have liked 4 guys, and basically it has gone down like this: used me for good grades, went from best friends to hating me, never found out and moved away, rejected me.  My batting average is amazing! (if I seem bitter I'm not). I am the queen of the "friend" zone.
7. I once found a lost little girl running around downtown Davis, we found her family down the street.
8. I think that if I loved someone, I would do crazy things (crazy in my mind, for them).  Like travel, go on big roller coasters, etc, that way if I was scared I could just grab their arm. (guys like being the "protector" anyway. Though I don't think they like wimps either)
9. I used to be pretty paranoid about ghosts, not so much anymore. <--weird fact. O_O
10. Love is the most confusing thing on this planet next to war.
11. I have to say, I find fan girls to be pretty effing annoying, but... truth be told, I am a total fan girl for Fullmetal Alchemist.
12. I love the show Archer.  Best new show omg!
13. OK FINE YOU WIN, YOU HAVE PRIED IT FROM ME....I used to love...The Hills.  I have actually cried during a trailer for one of the seasons.  *kills self*
14. Speaking of crying, I'm one easy crier. Though I don't think I seem like the type to cry so easily.
15. I need to tell people more how much they mean to me.
16. I'm realizing that I may get along better with men than women.  Now if only I could be less awkward...
17. I need to get a job at Game Stop ASAP.
18. I have some pretty dark memories as a child that I think have very much made me the neurotic person I am now.
19. One of my biggest fears is that because of my asexuality, I'll never get married or find someone willing to take part in a relationship with me.
20. I would rather be sick than get a shot.
21. I don't know If I would take a bullet for anyone.  That shit hurts you know!
22. I wish I had grown up close to my family, close both in distance and emotionally.  They are all strangers to me practically.
23. I think the best medicine is truly humor.
24. I hate being reminded of my age, since I feel in my own head I'm like 40.  But my heart is 7.
25. I have a music Myspace page full of some sick beats
26. BAM SUCKUH I'M A REBEL. I'll go to 30.
27. I don't understand why some people are constantly pointing out their flaws.  I understand you want some sympathy, but you don't see me complaining about my weight to everyone.  I don't need people to know what I'm self conscious about.  Half the time people don't notice your flaws anyway.
28. I have a very odd irrational fear of high contrast circles in dense concentrations.  Especially if anything is oozing from them. *barf everywhere*
29. Some of the worst movies I have ever seen include: Dragonball evolution (wow this movie wasn't even funny bad, but like I could stab myself to end the pain, bad), Twilight, New Moon, The Mummy 3 and this one I don't know the name to but it's funny as hell with the guy from The Transporter and Ray Liotta in some medieval movie. 
30. Puberty was (and still is) a bitch to me.  It's like, hey guess what? Your hair, your skin, feet, knees, fucking ovaries, they all HATE YOU!

Cheers for TMI and lengthy rants! *downs glass of delicious milk*

Formspring.me

Hey so there is this great website that allows you to ask someone a question completely anonymously (or if you have a profile, with your info). I have answered over about 170 questions.  Some I have to say are quite stupid, like "how many chickens are in your tree?", but some are much deeper.  Anyway, just thought I would put my link up if anyone wanted to ask me anything or read the questions and answers to the questions.   http://www.formspring.me/TheVinckanator

No video game design HW, YESSSSS!!

I'm bored, gonna go read.  Night!

The biggest Influences over my life (not including family)

1. Thrice and Dustin Kensrue: Spirituality, Lyrics, feeling, inspiration, energy.
2. Fullmetal Alchemist: Imagination and inspiration.
3. The Internet (sadly haha): Keeping in contact with people.
4. Da Vinci (old my high school): Work ethic and opening up.
5. Video Games: Imagination
6. Linkin Park: Introduction to rock music
7. Dragonball Z: Drawing and story making
8. Art classes in 11th and 12th grade: Exploring my talents.
9. Friends (TV Show): idk but it's awesome hahaha
10. Summer of 2009: Friends
11. Guilt : Keeping me in line
12. Disney: Imagination

I'm going to write a little something about all of these soon.

Found this, I thought I'd put some info out there

TEN things about yourself:
1. I love art and I am a dreamer, It's my passion.
2.  I'm a lot more sensitive than I let on, as to not seem too high maintenance or whiny.
3. I'm mostly liberal, however I have some conservative views (usually when it has to do with financials and drugs).
4. I hate the lack of common sense around today
5. I hate Nickleback, Justin Bieber (most pop music), crappy pop-punk, most country music, and Avril Lavigne.
6. I am very opinionated, I like to win, and I don't take criticism very well.
7. Music makes my heart sing
8. Thrice is my favorite band and they are my hero's.
9. I'm a huge lovable dork. (ex: I want to be Riza Hawkeye.  Really I'm serious! She is the coolest character, along with the most relatable to me)
10. I'm a hetero-romantic Asexual and I hate it, but proud at the same time.  Confused? Go to www.asexuality.org/home/  (though I would like to think I'm my own special breed).  Some people think this means I am not interested in any kind of relationship, well this is very much false.  I am a Hetero-Romantic Asexual, which basically means: straight/romantic/and asexual.  This has been an issue for some people (guys mostly) in the past but *exhale* it's something I have to deal with. I'm still trying to figure myself out.  But I'm fairly different from most asexuals I meet, being that I am the hopeless romantic while many are not, some in fact don't really care.  I just don't like being judged because of it.

NINE things you want to do before you die:
1. Have a job that makes me happy.
2. Get married to the love of my life.
3. Live in a house in an awesome city.
4. Go to italy!
5. Meet the guys from Thrice and follow them on tour for at least 3 venues.
6. Learn to like reading.
7. Have kids of course (adopt most likely, I think I want 2 but idk not too many haha).
8. Have one night that I will never forget with a friend or someone I love.
9. Be happy with who I am

EIGHT pet peeves:
1. Homophobia
2. Germs (saliva ewww, but I'm trying to get over it)
3. People who get angry waaaaaay too easily
4. The inability to compromise
5. When someone plays with your heart
6. Rudeness
7. Extremism (politics, religion, etc)
8. Internet trolls

SEVEN turn on's  (thought if I could have 8 I would add a nice smile...or nice eyes...or nice hands! uhhh)
1. Humor- I have to say, I love to laugh, and more importantly I love people who make me laugh
2. Creativity- I think, artists should be with artists to avoid tension due to money.  Plus artists love support :)
3. Accepting- You need to be with someone who accepts you for who you are.
4. Good hair- something I can run my fingers through RAWR haha
5. Good taste in Music- let's face it, if you don't like Thrice, we can't be friends (haha jk, sort of).
6. Dorky- I love little quirks, not to mention I'm a huge dork myself.  I can't be with the "jock", I need the "geek."  Someone who won't laugh at my love for FMA or video games.
7. Kind- I love a kind disposition (though I think being too nice is kind of, idk, I just don't care for it).  I have known guys too nice to date which sounds horrible I know, but it's just too (I cannot describe it without being a bitch).

SIX songs that remind you of anything & why:
1. Pistol by Dustin Kensrue- Sitting on the football field in my sophomore year of high school with a boy I liked (now hate with a fiery passion)
2. Nine in the Afternoon by Panic at the Disco- On the train to san fran with my best friend going to my first Thrice Concert.
3. Image of The Invisible by Thrice- The very first Thrice song I ever heard and loved.
4. Roll right Over by Eye Alaska- Reminds me of my friend Stevie, idk why.
5. Of Dust and Nation by Thrice- My first revelation about life while in the car at night back in 9th grade.
6. The Earth Will Shake by Thrice- The song that made me want to see Thrice live (and still continues to be a show stopper)

FIVE things you wish you could say to five different people.
1. I wish you went to school here so we could become even better friends
2. I wish you weren't so hard to deal with sometimes
3. You make me smile so much :)
4. I hate you with every fiber of my being
5. I hate how much of a liar you are

FOUR people you wish you were friends with:
1. Saundra Bullock
2. Dustin Kensrue
3. Tina Fey
4. Jennifer Aniston

THREE things that are currently on your mind:
1. Thrice (listening to it lol)
2. School, hate Monday school, love Tuesday school, hate wed, hate sat.
3. Should I play the Sims 3?  I haven't in months

TWO things you do before you fall asleep:
1. Set my alarm
2. Think of my different stories (like for video games or other stories)

ONE wish:
1. I wish it was summer! lol actually I want to win the lottery so I could pay for everyones college!

Prayers to the Kensrue Family

Wow what a rough couple of day's for Dustin Kensrue and his family.  It really is quite a sad situation.  Dustin Kensrue's father has been diagnosed with a possible malignant brain tumor.
     While I'm sad they [Thrice] had to cancel their current tour with Manchester Orchestra, it is much more important to be there for family.  Knowing Dustin's character, I know that no matter what he had to put family first being the family man he is, which is one of the many reasons I look up to him so much.

     This is also so tragic due to the resent passing of Teppei's (Thrice lead guitarist and guitar god) mother.  Last fall Teppei had to leave the tour to go home and be there next to his mother when she was diagnosed to stage 4 cancer.  It's like this band has some bad karma which is impossible since all they sing about is love, self worth, wanting to fix the wrongs of this world, god, and what a gift life is.  Not to mention how amazingly humble they all are, never getting big heads and being so incredibly kind to their fans.
     I am horrified by the internet trolls that have infested their web site during this time of gathering by the fans.  With messages of wishing death upon Dustins family, it sickens me and saddens me to see the lengths some people will go to see others in pain.  Shame on them.

I am not a religious woman, however I have always felt that Thrice's music and more specifically Dustin's lyrics, have always brought me a little closer to "god".  The last think I can say here is, when I heard this terrible news, the song "Music Box" came over my computer and I believe that the lyrics relate so much to this situation:
"this hollow in my chest is filled with reasons not to sing but I found one, I know we are not alone, we feel an unseen love.  We are sons and heirs of grace, we are children of a light that never dims a love that never dies, keep your chin up child and wipe the tears from your eyes" -Music Box by Thrice

Onward, to Adventure! (revelation of sorts)

  

      Hello, blogger.  You have cough me in a moment of revelation.  What a vulnerable state I am in, not emotionally, but socially.  I just finished the movie "Adventureland" and It had an odd effect on me.  Usually this is not the kind of movie to inspire however I find that something about the imagery and the characters spoke to my inner adventurer (usually things like home movies and films like into the wild are what sets off these kind of changes) .  I think that I have never been a really social person, underly socially developed if you will.  When I was say 14, when others were realizing their sense of invisibility and their youth, I was at home doing homework or maybe out with one of my parents doing what ever a daughter and a parent would do.  In high school, I had the same 2 close friends (between moving groups and heartbreaks) all 3 years.  What is my point?  While everyone was at parties and football games and concerts or getting high and exploring each others bodies I was at home doing homework everyday.  I feel like I have wasted so much of what has been given to me on school and caution.  Don't get me wrong, I don't think I'll ever be a risky person, but It would be nice to throw caution to the wind.
     Now that I am near done with the first year of college I see this summer as one that should be when I come into my own as a social individual, however due to certain circumstances I know this is not the case.  It's really frustrating me that not only will I be home almost everyday this summer to take care of my mother after her surgery, but I am frustrated at my own selfishness for wanting to leave in her 3 months of need.  It's scaring the hell out of the 2 of us.  I know that she will either let me have my time with people despite her pain (because she's amazing like that) or she'll tell me to get my shit together (because she's honest like that).  I don't want to seem like I am attached to my mother at the hip, I live with her because well I love her and the rent is free, good agreement?  She is my best friend honestly but still I am not a child, and this isn't me being rebellious, but me just growing up.  I just want my own life separate from my "family."
     I just want to do things with important people to me.  I want to grow, I want to be active, I want to not give a shit (but I know I always will, all bark but no bite).  But I was watching the film "Adventureland" and I saw these characters having the time of their lives, at night, at the fair, rolling on a grassy hill.  I have been a stress case the last 5 years of my life.  I feel there has been a sleeping giant in me since senior trip last may.  The belief that I can in fact enjoy myself in a hyper social environment (only with good company) has been in my mind for a year now.  There are things I have never done that I want to experience.

     I heard once that, and I am paraphrasing here that "happiness is only good when shared."  I think these are one of those fact's in life that people don't appreciate.  I want to share myself with people in a fulfilling way through friendship, communication, and love.  I have so much more than I have been able to express.  I don't mean travel, because travel has never been a passion of mine, but just to build relationships with people both platonic and romantic.  I want happiness, which I guess I could say I am, but not the kind I want to be.  I think a lot of this has come from my own self acceptance that has been building for the last 2 years, now that I don't dislike myself and actually see my own personal value.  I know that though no matter what happens, my passions will continue to push me through (music and art).  I have to write a blog soon about music, it will be no doubt my favorite (basically all Thrice since it's not a musical connection but something I know is spiritual).  Anyway yeah..... This has been a bit too honest for my liking.

Excuse my ramble, as I write this I turn back into my old cautious self, but who knows what tomorrow has, let fate push me through (and yes this is a bit preachy but I'm listening to Thrice so excuse the extreme expressions of my feelings).

Thrice Lyric of The Night:
"Under this killing moon, under this burning sky, the fire's shining through, hold my breathe and close my eye's"- Under a Killing Moon

All the single ladies, all the single ladies

Well haha I have to say, I think us women are pretty clueless.  I have noticed that millions of women read these womens magazines like cosmo, looking for relationship advise.  Why would you ask other women for this kind of advice?  It has been built in our souls since we were old enough to watch a Disney princess film.  Our friends tell us what we want to hear. "girl, your too good for him" or "yeah he will call" or my personal favorite "He must like you as more than a friend".  Ladies, we are all clueless.

Now I'm not a single 40 year old cat lady yet, (thank god) so I have some time before I get desperate enough to take those magazines and articles seriously.  I think, if I could give some advise to women and incite about the womans mind for the fellas, I would say stop looking, stop being so desperate, and stop looking for perfection.  It doesn't exist.  Prince charming (or in my case Prince Eric [omg I love him]) doesn't exists.  But you can find some pretty decent guys out there.  Trust me, I have met some pretty amazing guys in my time.  And I think, it is almost true that all the good guys are either taken or gay, but I won't make assumptions here.  I'm not saying I have the answers, because I sure as hell don't, but I think we need to be more realistic instead of making up these fantasies in our head (you know you do it, "oh he said this, does that mean this?).  Guys, if a girl likes you, she will pick apart anything and EVERYTHING you say and take it as a sign. SIGNS. Wow the bane of every girls life.  Is it a sign?  Is he just being nice? I like the quote from the movie "he's just not that into you", Jennifer Aniston tells her boyfriend "I need you to stop being nice to me if your not going to marry me."  That movie I think point's out a lot of flaws in the female mind excellently.  I remember I saw that movie with my best friend, and every 5 mins we would laugh and point to each other and go "haha I do that!".

But to get more personal-- I did this thing on Facebook (I was bored ok) that was "5 things to make the perfect guy" or something. My list was: nice eyes, funny, dorky/geeky, creative, being best friends.  Really the only things on there that I think are necessary are funny and being best friends (I guarantee you, if you're a man and you make me laugh, I am attracted to you, it's just a fact).  He doesn't need to be a model, in fact he could look like a blimp.  Then I did "5 turn off''s" my list was: cheaters, homophobia, nipple piercings, womanizing man whores, huge party animal. Basically all besides maybe the last are all so hated by my brain.

Songs I have listened to while writing this:

Walk like a gentleman- Eye Alaska

Meant to Live- Switchfoot

Chicago- Sufjan Stevens

Young Cardinals- Alexisonfire

Bad Romance- Lady Gaga *note: I don't like her music, just this song*

Gasoline- Brand New

Hello, I'm in Delaware- City and Colour

A feeling of bliss (summer baby)

Well sort of. I mean besides the stress of college (mostly video game design) I feel a fair amount of bliss about some realizations I have had and about my overall outlook on people. Don't get me wrong, I still have a generally negative outlook on people but I feel like since beginning college I have met some pretty stand up people that have restored some faith I lacked in humans. The only class I have really met people in is video game design, but of the people I have met I like them a lot. I guess since (and I have had this theory for a long time) it's almost an "art" class, there is a very unified and freeing atmosphere. I respect everyone. Not to mention I have a great teacher who is easy to listen to. But I cannot stop thinking how much the people have left me smiling.  Also how age is just a number, who cares, when people have interests in common what does it matter ( I have always found that I get a long better with my older peers *please note thought, when I say older, I mean like 30 and lower*).  I really appreciate how much everyone respects each other for out geekiness haha. I hope that, for the people I have made friendships with continue to be so waaaay after class is over.
     I have this feeling of knowing now who I can trust, who I get along with, and whats important. And I have to thank the few people in my life that haven't screwed me over. However, I won't be able to see most (thank god for the few back here in Sac/Davis) of em till summer starts since some are coming back from south Cali and Denmark.  I have learned the meaning and power behind wanting to become a better person for someone else, it's not about giving them the power to see you change for them, but improve on the negatives with the help of others, and I can think of 3 people who make me feel this way.

Now on to summer, I'm feeling fairly adventurous (which is not that adventurous if you know me) I'm gonna do a few trips to the beach this summer with people (i'll probably play Frisbee and take pics and not so much swim). ALSO the Thrice concert in June! That will be amazing and life altering as always! Hopefully I'll have good company with me. Also I wanna drive over to the sky high sports place in Rancho Cordova. I mean come on! TRAMPOLINES ON THE FLOOR AND WALLS! But thats not to take away from the extreme amount on care I'll be taking of my mother this summer after her spine surgery.

Songs I have listened to while writing this:

"This could be anywhere in the world" - Alexisonfire

"Be Our Guest"- Beauty and The Beast

"The Gospel Truth"- Hercules

The Shins & Radiohead *

*songs I don't have a song name for from a mix CD

Talking Through Glass

SO it's 5am on sat morning and I know I should be sleeping for class at 8:30am, but I feel I need to say something. I watch a lot of TV, and one show that makes me mad is 16 and pregnant but not for the obvious reasons. The kids cannot communicate at all. They have no sense of pronunciation or vigor when speaking, especially to each other. But what upsets me more is that these kids force themselves to stay together for the baby. I cannot understand how this is any better. The poor baby has to grow up in an unloving household with people "forced" to live together.

My point is that, there are people in this world who (children or not) feel like because of certain things like time, family, pressure, living situations, etc you must stay together. If you're unhappy, why put up with it? Don't wait till later. I'm not saying bail on a commitment, but if there is no progress then why stand still? For example: If you are married or live with someone but find coming home to be something you avoid then you know there is something not right. This is life. We don't have to live with people who make us unhappy. Home is where the heart is, but if your heart is somewhere else then so are you. I choose to surround myself with people who add something valuable to my life (well most of them anyway). And one more thing, I don't condone cheating at all, but, if when your in a relationship and you begin to have feelings for someone else, maybe thats a hint. That you need something more than what your getting, and when I say getting I don't mean "getting some action".

Thrice Lyrics of Wisdom:
"It never turns out right with me and you,
No matter how I try to see it through.
Get up at sunset and start again,
But it feels like we’re trying to catch the wind.
You are a door to which I’ve lost the keys;
We are a puzzle with a missing piece.
And I can’t carry on living like this, talking through glass.
You know that I can’t be the one to banish the mist,
and ghosts in your past.
You’re so cold to touch-you and your heart" -Talking Through Glass

Photo From: http://syccas-stock.deviantart.com/

Social Awkwardness

Well, just today after getting back from a fairly entertianing day at school, I came home to find that Friends was on TV (<3).  It was an episode where Ross can't flirt. He's so socially awkward I said to myself, he's such a geek.  Then I thought "what are you saying? YOU are totally him!"  I myself am a fairly dorky-geeky person with a huge lack of any kind of "game".  I basically cannot flirt.  I can do polite conversation, make people laugh, but I lack the skill of ego stroking. I am also the least foreword person I know.  I can't tell someone "oh look at your arms, you workout?"  or crap like that.  A lot of women dumb themselves down when flirting as I have seen, it's kind of pathetic.  I mean I know I get a bit "airhead-ish" when it comes to communicating with a perspective partner but I mean I can still function properly.  Also from the people around me and what we see from the media much of it is so superficial and paper thin.  People today cannot talk.  They just can't. WHY?  My whole life I have realized that my idea of "flirting" is being there for that person like to help with stuff, which is probably why I was dragged around the local community theater for so long.

I find it hard to connect with people enough to actually enjoy what they have to say.  But when I do find that someone else is on the same mind frame as myself I totally celebrate them for their awesomeness! Haha.

I have a huge personal bubble, it kind of bums me out that I have this physical barrier from people.  I have been trying more often to open up and smile and stop being so OCD.  I think quirks are actually cute. The little things people do.  Such as a mannerism or a small rituals (non religious/sacrifice) haha. Of course I have been dubbed the "hopeless romantic" for years now, which is fine I guess, though it doesn't exactly scream "playa". I guess I have had this girlish fantasy my whole life of being good friends first, building a foundation on something sturdy.

Ehh call me traditional or easily impressed <--this is actually true ahaha

Thrice Lyrics of Wisdom:
"Love is a loyalty sworn, not a burning for a moment" The Weight

I may be biased but, this is hilarious.

Plus it's 7am, everything is funnier at 7am.

Black on Jeans

Ok so first off I would like to say, I think I am posting too much too fast, but my mind is racing constantly.  I'm a bit of a chatterbox so maybe this is me getting my ideas out when I go crazy at 4am.

Anyway.  After posting one of my last blogs about if I was the opposite gender. A few friends of mine asked about the ol' black shirt on jeans thing.  You know, how every man in a black shirt and jeans instantly looks attractive?  Well, it seems my discovery has your attention (see how I said that like hundreds of people read this?).  And when I say "your" I mean the maybe 2-3 people who actually read this thing.  Now this black shirt, could be a t-shirt but it could also be button up, but pushed to the elbows.  Now these have to be well fitting shirts not those shirts that are 3 sizes to big or small, fitted.  I think its the ol bad boy thing women love.  Which I can understand, in a sense, but I don't think anyone actually WANTS the bad buy.... well let me rephrase that, no one NEEDS the bad boy.  I feel bad for the guys who are nice and have that "nice guys finish last" mentality.  I like the nice guys, they are OBVIOUSLY nice, and usually the winners at the end of their life.  Be dorks, it's what we secretly love.

Ok I got a bit off topic..... anyway, I think this also works for flannel, at least for me.  I tell yeah I don't know why but I am a sucker for some flannel. BUT guys, keep it simple, black shirt and jeans (sometimes a white shirt works well also but black works better).  BUT ALL IN ALL, I think it doesn't really matter.  This is merely a observation. OK?  Dress how ever you want. I do.

(and don't ask what would be the first thing I do as the opposite gender, please, this is a family blog haha)

Chinese Zodiac - Goat (this is basically meeee)

Personality: Occupying the 8th position in the Chinese Zodiac, the Goat (or Sheep) symbolizes such character traits as creativity, intelligence, dependability, and calmness. Comfortable being alone to ponder the workings of their inner minds, Goats enjoy being part of a group, but prefer the sidelines rather than the center. Their nurturing personality makes Goats excellent care-givers. They’re quite and reserved because they spend much time absorbed in their thoughts.

Home and alone is where Goats feel most comfortable. There they can express themselves artistically, whether it’s by painting, cooking or participating in whatever artistic endeavors they enjoy. Goats prefer the couch because there they can relax and explore their minds. They don’t need elaborate furnishings; only items reflecting their desire for art.

Health

Perhaps because Goats are basically serene, they tend to have fewer health problems. Their fragile exterior hides the fact they’re typically very healthy. When they’re happy, they’re healthy. When Goats become unhappy, especially as a result of romance, they quickly become sick.  

Relationships

Goats tend to be private, so it can take effort to get to know one. The Goat is the one who will decide when and with whom it will share its personal life. As a result, most Goats have few “close” friends, yet they’ll work hard for those they love.

Metal Goats

Metal Goats are tough on the outside, fragile inside. Those close to Metal Goats understand and accept this. Metal Goats are very cultural and they’re most appreciative of the arts.

If I were a man

I think I would be pretty much awesome.  I think there are certain things about femininity that I do not fit under, which is fine because gender isn't all physical.  Not that I think in any form I am a male, just that I can understand a males point of view better then other women.

I'm not gonna lie, I'd be pretty cool.  I have always enjoyed male fashion (not the baggy jeans) but the t-shirts, pants, ties, hats.....and beards lol.  I don't want a beard, not as a woman could you imagine? ehhh.  But if I was a man, I would have a lil something something.  I'll tell you one thing, I would wear a black short sleeve shirt with jeans.  Ladies, have you ever notices that a guy who wears this is incredible attractive?  He would be ugly and still rawr.  When I was younger my mother told me this, and as I have gotten older I have realized that she in in fact so right.

If I was a man, people would think I was gay from how amazing my hair and cloths would be, how nice I would be, how awesome.  But there are things about being a woman I enjoy, like sensitivity, emotion, bonds, longer average life span, and making sandwiches.  That last thing was a joke.... sort of.

Um how excited am I?

Pretty FREAKING EXCITED

Thrice will be headlining their new tour in June.  And their first tour date?  SAN FRANCISCO BABY! I AM THERE.  Now I just need people because i'm not going alone...

Future Topics: Coming Soon

Here is a basic list of some ideas I'll be jotting down here for the next few days/weeks.

• My passion for Thrice and spirituality/religion
• Political war: Red vs. Blue
• My theory of friendships/relationships: The honeymoon phase does end at some point.  It's a cycle.
• The need to something effective with creation vs. stagnation. 
• Is Art a foolish road?
• Why negativity is more powerful; and why that needs to stop.
• Passion from the pencil, canvas, and headphones.
• Is laziness going to control my life?
• Different fandoms I hold near and dear to my heart
• *cough* Anime *cough*
• Age vs. Growth.  Whats my age again? My hatred for my number.
• Laughter, it does a body good.
• Tina Fey: I salute you girl.
• Things I find Pathetic.

There's no greater love

     Friendship.  Probably one of the greatest and most challenging connections one can have. The difference between a friendship and any other relationship is that a friendship is purely spiritual.  The enjoyment of having that one person in your life.  Different from say a family member who is your blood or brought you up.  Or a relationship, in a relationship you have many things keeping you together, money, sex, children, etc.  But a friendship can come and go.  It has to be unselfish or it's not a real friendship.
     I have had my fair share of selfish friendships, and I continue to have them.  It's not by choice but of convenience and cowardice.  There are not many non selfish friendships that I have made.  I think it's my "easy to take advantage of" character.  I'm an unaffected emotional person.  Does that make sense? Not to most.  I am an internalizer.  I can be pretty cold on my exterior if I want but it never fails that I am eventually broken down to a pulp.
     To me, the best friendships involve a lot of communication and trust.  But I would say the best relationships are filled with this too.  I like to think I work very hard to keep these things strong, especially trust.  But I digress... I love meeting people who are intellectually stimulating but not in their own head all the time.  People with a kind disposition.  People who see themselves in others as I do.  The phrase "do onto others as you would have done onto you" comes to mind.  I wasn't really brought up on this idea but more of a rule I have set for myself (more of a anti-hypocrisy code).  I hold myself to a strong moral and ethical code that I have created for myself.  I think if more people set these rules, this world would spin easier.
     I don't see a point in keeping negatives in your life.  If someone, anyone makes you feel bad then let them go. Life shouldn't be wasted with negativity and toil, especially when you can control it.  I should learn to take my own advise though, but once again I am a coward and cannot hurt someone for my benefit.  When I say coward I don't sulk or shrug or cry about it, it is just what I am in this sense of the word.
     I take friendship very seriously, if you don't then I don't want to waste my time.
But don't misinterpret what I am saying here.  Life isn't this serious.  Honestly I cannot talk to someone normally if they don't make me laugh or feel comfortable.  There are some people in my life I wish I was closer to since I find we have very strong connections but... friends are brought into our lives at moments in our live when we need them.  I look forward to see where new friendships go, their future.  Especially those in which you can see having something beautiful bloom.

Thrice Lyrics of Wisdom:
"and as long as we live, every scar is a bridge to someone's broken heart
and there's no greater love, than that one shed his blood for his friends" For Miles

Music music music

What I'm listening to:

The Script: Rock/pop

Thrice: Rock/Post-Hardcore

Sufjan Stevens: Acoustic/Spiritual

Paper Route: Electro pop

Glee: Soundtrack

Alexisonfire: Rock/Screamo

Eye Alaska: New wave/Pop/RnB

Beyonce: Pop

Lady Antebellum: Country
Slipknot: Heavy Metal

The Acknowledgment of Flaws

     I think there a lot of people today who refuse to accept or even acknowledge their own flaws.  How can you improve on your self if you don't?  With the fear of sounding too negative many just think they have nothing to work on (even when the know deep down).  I am always up for discussion on my own flaws, but I'm not talking physical flaws here, I'm talking about the stuff that really matters.
     We have become so preoccupied with our outside appearance that anything relating to whats beneath that is just nonsence or too mushy. I know I have a lot to work on and with that knowledge I am constantly trying to improve who I am and what I do.  I think a lot of men have issues with this.  But we can't forget girls, because they can be the worst.  Ladies can be pretty insane if they want since they are already more mentally tapped into their feelings, but if they perceive themselves as just perfect there is almost no turning back.
     I have a friend who once told me "I'm not going to change" and I thought it was really ignorant and imature.  Especialy since her flaws are things that could be improved like attitude, anger, deception, etc.  The saddest thing is to recognize it and not work on it, to stop evolving, to not move forward because your "not going to change".  Don't change who you are just improve on yourself.

Thrice lyrics of wisdom:
"We've learned that if we'll, open the wounds and share them then soon they start to heal" - For Miles
"It looks deep enough from here, I'm diving, this cliff has been well worn by ignorance. It looks deep enough from here, I'm diving, they float face down they all look so content.
I don't know why I'm even here. Guess I'm afraid to be alone" - See you in the Shallows

Honestly, I can't do that

This is the sort of stuff that tells me "Hey, get your ass back to the gym."

Honestly, these guys have more rhythm in their pinkie finger than I do my whole body.

All things go, all things go

"I've made a lot of mistakes in my mind, in my mind."

Oh Sufjan Stevens, how you are able to sing about my life without ever having met me. I was listening to the amazing song "Chicago" and had one of my many life altering revelations from music.  See, not a lot inspires me in this world.  Only the most mundane, musical, and childish can spark my mind.  When I heard Mr. Sufjan Stevens sing-

"If I was crying, in the van with my friend,

it was for freedom,

from myself and from the land.

I've made a lot of mistakes..."

     I realized something about myself, I realized my greatest weakness.  Myself.  The only person to hold me back my whole life was myself.  There is a saying that goes "you are your own worse enemy" and I don't think people think about this fact enough.  I have many reasons to hold myself back (in my mind).  From a low self esteem to my constant worry about how I am seen.  I'm not a vain person but I am egotistical (in my mind).  I was brought up by a worried mother, leading to a worrisome child.  Say something like driving for instance.  I'm a darn good driver if I say so myself, but when in a slightly unfamiliar setting I cannot help but panic.  What happens if I get lost? What street? What exit?  I admire those who throw caution to the wind, those fools.  Those who do road trips with their friends and live to tell a story to their kids.  I will have nothing.

     Sometimes I find it hard to look people in the eye's, something about looking into someones eye's is very intimate, a level i'm not totally comfortable with.  This is not for any other reason than the moments of getting lost in their eye's makes me feel totally naked.  No barrier.  It's a truthfulness that cannot be compared.  I think when I have fully committed to someones eye's thats when I trust them fully.  Unfortunately, the eye's can play tricks on you.

Though I find these kind of things endearing.  You might find it odd and alarming.

My greatest accomplishment one day will be when I am free from my own slavery, when I can shake the shackles from my wrists and legs.

I'll start off here by just posting a song that inspire me to move forward

The Artist in the Ambulance by Thrice

Late night, brakes lock, hear the tires squeal
Red light, can't stop so I spin the wheel
My world goes black before I feel an angel lift me up
And I open bloodshot eyes into fluorescent white
They flip the siren, hit the lights, close the doors and I am gone

Now I lay here owing my life to a stranger
And I realize that empty words are not enough
I'm left here with the question of just
What have I to show except the promises I never kept?
I lie here shaking on this bed, under the weight of my regrets

[Chorus:]
I hope that I will never let you down
I know that this can be more than just flashing lights and sound

Look around and you'll see that at times it feels like no one really cares
It gets me down but I'm still gonna try to do what's right, I know that there's
A difference between sleight of hand, and giving everything you have
There's a line drawn in the sand, I'm working up the will to cross it and

[Chorus]

Rhetoric can't raise the dead
I'm sick of always talking when there's no change
Rhetoric can't raise the dead
I'm sick of empty words, let's lead and not follow

Late night, brakes lock, hear the tires squeal
Red light, can't stop so I spin the wheel
My world goes black before I feel an angel steal me from the
Greedy jaws of death and chance, and pull me in with steady hands
They've given me a second chance, the artist in the ambulance

[Chorus]

Can we pick you off the ground, more than flashing lights and sound