Hello, blogger. You have cough me in a moment of revelation. What a vulnerable state I am in, not emotionally, but socially. I just finished the movie "Adventureland" and It had an odd effect on me. Usually this is not the kind of movie to inspire however I find that something about the imagery and the characters spoke to my inner adventurer (usually things like home movies and films like into the wild are what sets off these kind of changes) . I think that I have never been a really social person, underly socially developed if you will. When I was say 14, when others were realizing their sense of invisibility and their youth, I was at home doing homework or maybe out with one of my parents doing what ever a daughter and a parent would do. In high school, I had the same 2 close friends (between moving groups and heartbreaks) all 3 years. What is my point? While everyone was at parties and football games and concerts or getting high and exploring each others bodies I was at home doing homework everyday. I feel like I have wasted so much of what has been given to me on school and caution. Don't get me wrong, I don't think I'll ever be a risky person, but It would be nice to throw caution to the wind.
Now that I am near done with the first year of college I see this summer as one that should be when I come into my own as a social individual, however due to certain circumstances I know this is not the case. It's really frustrating me that not only will I be home almost everyday this summer to take care of my mother after her surgery, but I am frustrated at my own selfishness for wanting to leave in her 3 months of need. It's scaring the hell out of the 2 of us. I know that she will either let me have my time with people despite her pain (because she's amazing like that) or she'll tell me to get my shit together (because she's honest like that). I don't want to seem like I am attached to my mother at the hip, I live with her because well I love her and the rent is free, good agreement? She is my best friend honestly but still I am not a child, and this isn't me being rebellious, but me just growing up. I just want my own life separate from my "family."
I just want to do things with important people to me. I want to grow, I want to be active, I want to not give a shit (but I know I always will, all bark but no bite). But I was watching the film "Adventureland" and I saw these characters having the time of their lives, at night, at the fair, rolling on a grassy hill. I have been a stress case the last 5 years of my life. I feel there has been a sleeping giant in me since senior trip last may. The belief that I can in fact enjoy myself in a hyper social environment (only with good company) has been in my mind for a year now. There are things I have never done that I want to experience.
I heard once that, and I am paraphrasing here that "happiness is only good when shared." I think these are one of those fact's in life that people don't appreciate. I want to share myself with people in a fulfilling way through friendship, communication, and love. I have so much more than I have been able to express. I don't mean travel, because travel has never been a passion of mine, but just to build relationships with people both platonic and romantic. I want happiness, which I guess I could say I am, but not the kind I want to be. I think a lot of this has come from my own self acceptance that has been building for the last 2 years, now that I don't dislike myself and actually see my own personal value. I know that though no matter what happens, my passions will continue to push me through (music and art). I have to write a blog soon about music, it will be no doubt my favorite (basically all Thrice since it's not a musical connection but something I know is spiritual). Anyway yeah..... This has been a bit too honest for my liking.
Excuse my ramble, as I write this I turn back into my old cautious self, but who knows what tomorrow has, let fate push me through (and yes this is a bit preachy but I'm listening to Thrice so excuse the extreme expressions of my feelings).
Thrice Lyric of The Night:
"Under this killing moon, under this burning sky, the fire's shining through, hold my breathe and close my eye's"- Under a Killing Moon
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