WARNING: Hey sup guys, so this one is kind of a girlfest of a post. Full of emotions and feelings. Please read on but it's pretty girlie. Self pity isn't cute, but neither is pretending everything is okay.
1) I think my life revolves around being ironic. For example: How I'm such a hopeless romantic in my head but not in person. I'm not very nurturing, I can act nurturing and I like nurturing people, but I don't think I am very nurturing naturally. I also am very socially awkward. One giant dork.
In my own head I am the sappiest S.O.B. on the block. But no no no, the way I actually act is very different. Why is it that who I am on the inside can never seem to make the right translation outside? I mean don't get me wrong, I can be a very soft individual, but it just can never make itself known in person. I can be very caring and loving in impersonal ways like through text or IM or email, but I can never say it looking into someones eye's. I'm not the type to be complimented all the time, if at all. I don't revolve my life around compliments, but I don't see where being complimented is a bad thing, I just need to get better at responding to them since I'm very out of practice. I'll just say that, a friend of mine in particular seems to live her life around how men feel about her, it can destroy her sometimes. I am not like this at all. Unlike her I'm not desperate to point out my flaws in the hope someone will like them thus curing me of my lack of self worth. I feel sad for her, but at the same time I wish she would stop being so desperate. At Thrice would say: "Wake, stand and feel your worth!"
Anyway, I realized that I was a hopeless romantic about a year or two ago. Always the dreamer in my own mind. Maybe it's a girl thing, or maybe Disney movies ruined me forever. When ever I create a story and characters, I always create some kind of love story (I know I know, but almost all great stories have some kind of romantic storyline). I become very attached to these characters, making them often the main focus or the most developed.
So why is this exactly ironic? Because I'm the hopeless romantic who can't be vulnerable with others. Made of stone I pretend. I guess it's a shield from others. Thats how I have been described as by many people. At least they understand that I am quite the soft hearted fool somewhere inside, even if my skin has thorns. But I realized over the last few months, as I have become more in tune with myself, that those thorns have softened quite a bit. I feel myself allowing myself to be more...happy, warm hearted, soothing, childlike in my heart. I blush way too much haha. I never really believed people when they used the term "my body ached for someone". I realized that I understand the feeling, not like a sexual ache, but a feeling of your heart beating fast or your pulse racing just because you think of someone. Looking over my time as this hopeless romantic I find that my hands begin to have a dull pain or "aches" along with a faster pulse. I just realized something as I write this, it feels like I am waiting for someone to give me permission to be vulnerable or give me the okay to let my guard down because they are also.
2) I feel like there is a piece of me missing. I think it's creative, but I'm not sure. I really want to draw but I have a hard time picking up a pencil and paper anymore. It's kind of depressing since art is like food to someone like me, being an artist, without it I'd just wither away and die (metaphorically speaking).
Birthday on Tue. Yee. Need plans...
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